The People Who Live at Restoration Hardware

July 14, 2011

The people who live at Restoration Hardware are very wealthy, not just because, of course, they can afford Restoration Hardware furniture, but because their house is big enough that they can fit the gigantic Restoration Hardware furniture inside. The people who live at Restoration Hardware are either very big, and thus enjoy furniture and accessories proportionate to their largeness, or they’re petite, and enjoy feeling dwarfed by their home decor.

The people who live at Restoration Hardware do not care for bright colors. Grays and gray-blues and taupes for them, please, and maybe a chocolate brown if they’re feeling frisky. The people who live at CB2 are rather silly and frivolous to the people who live at Restoration Hardware. When they’ve drunk too much gin the Restoration Hardware people call the CB2 people hipsters.  

The people who live at Restoration Hardware believe in outdoor “rooms” and enjoy hanging chandeliers from trees and staying as physically comfortable outdoors as possible thanks to oversized shades and blankets and outdoor fireplaces. They have secret people help them keep everything nice, with large thirsty towels folded neatly at the foot of every poolside chaise lounge. You never see these servants, however, because they’re paid to be discreet. The people who live at Restoration Hardware don’t really like the idea of paid help, but they need it.

The people who live at Restoration Hardware would never say this but they believe children should be seen and not heard and actually preferably not seen either. They leave wet footprints by the pool and muss up the nicely folded towels.

The people who live at Restoration Hardware would prefer that you only drink clear beverages, if you don’t mind. You understand, yes?

The people who live at Restoration Hardware are very keen on the life of Ernest Hemingway, if not his actual work.  They like masculine things like aeronautics and telescopes and maps and and trunks and bomber jackets and iron and gears and old black and white photos of athletic teams from long ago. They may be alpha gay men or alpha straight women who like to create fashionable masculine spaces for their men (they would never utter the phrase “man cave.”) Two to five percent of the people who live at Restoration Hardware are straight men who decorate on their own.

The people who live at Restoration Hardware often say they feel like they were meant to live in a different era, but if you asked them to pinpoint which one, they wouldn’t quite be able to say.

The people who live at Restoration Hardware are not opposed to the idea of a dog, if only they can find one that doesn’t shed and has the right image, something rugged but not sloppy.

The people who live at Restoration Hardware hope you come over sometime, but don’t stay too long and don’t bring a cheap bottle of wine they’ll feel obliged to serve.

The people at Restoration Hardware sometimes worry that the people who live at Pottery Barn have more fun than they do.

Note: In addition to covering "So You Think You Can Dance" for the LA Times last night, I also reviewed the first episode of "The Franchise" on Showtime for the AV Club.

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