Reasons why you might pay money to own this doll

August 3, 2011

You Are a Huge Cubs Fan
I can understand that it’s tough out there for Cubs fans right now and that finding the right way to express your love for your team might be challenging. Might I suggest, instead of buying this doll, attending a game? Or listening to one on the radio? Or buying a Cubs hat? Or just thinking happy thoughts about baseball? Your precious doll here costs almost $100, which is money you could be spending on a ticket and one beer. And not to shame you or anything, but what if, for some reason, your favorite Chicago Cub (let’s say Jeff Samardzija) came by. “I’m a huge fan!!” you tell him excitedly, and then gesture to your most adorable Cubs collectible ever. How do you think Jeff Samardzija would react? Do you think he’d say “Oh my god, I have him too! Don’t you just love him? I call him my Designated Cuddler.” Or do you think he’ll back out of the house, slowly?

You Love Precious Babies
Fine, okay, some people love precious babies. However, I think there are healthier ways to channel your love of precious babies than purchasing a creepily realistic fake version of one. For instance, have a precious baby of your own. Can’t get a baby? Make a friend who has one! Encourage your children to have some! Or, volunteer at a place where you can actually help and hold real babies. My worry for you is, if your friends know how much you love precious little babies and they come over and see this doll, they will think you kidnapped a real live baby using a baseball mitt and tried to disguise it in a Cubs uniform.

You Collect Realistic Sleeping Baby Dolls
I do not think you should do that.

You Are a Huge Cubs Fan Who Loves Precious Babies And Who Also Collects Realistic Dolls
Congratulations! Apparently you are not alone. Who would have thought those three Venn Diagram circles would intersect beyond a mere touch? Not me. In this case, you should treat yourself to two of these dolls, to keep each other company.

Next week: Reasons Why Babies Don’t Know What Sunday Night Football is, Nor Do They Really Understand the Passage of Time, Nor Do They Impatiently Look Forward to Sunday Because They Get to Watch Football and Thus Why This Did Not Need to Be Captured in Doll Form Plus Why, Of All Things, Does the Baby Protect Itself Against the Glare of the Sun But Not Any of the Other Dangers of Football.