A conspiracy unfolding (or folding): Beyonce's baby-bump (or lack thereof)

October 12, 2011

What you are about to read may shock and surprise you. It’s not meant for people who believe everything the “lamestream” media tells them, so please close this window unless you have an open mind.

I’ve never been a conspiracy theorist, although I’ve always been fascinated by people who don’t go with the flow when it comes to major events: the moon landing, the Holocaust, 9/11 and so on. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I admire those who believe that the majority of the world has been living a giant lie, but there is something intriguing about conspiracy theorists’ passion and the way they string together their bits of proof to form a cogent-seeming argument.

Well, I’m excited to announce that I have finally found a conspiracy that I can get behind, and it’s this:

Beyoncé Knowles is not really pregnant.

I had heard some rumors that there was something fishy going on when Beyoncé announced her pregnancy at the VMA’s a few weeks back: there were grumblings that it seemed odd that she had such a large baby bump (obligatory ‘ugh’ at that term) for being relatively early in her pregnancy. But I didn’t pay much attention. I’ve never been pregnant, and who knows with baby bumps. They’re mysterious: perhaps maybe they grow and shrink or look different depending on what you wear.

But now the scales have fallen from my eyes. I am convinced that the bump is fake, thanks to this video, which seems to show Beyoncé’s baby bump folding in and collapsing on itself as she sits down for an interview (and some people claim that the singer displays a panicked expression on her face as she sits down, as if she knows her entire life is a lie and it was just displayed on TV):

I am ready to get on-board with this conspiracy. I’m pretty sure that this “Occupy Wall Street” stuff has just been a smokescreen thrown up to distract us from the fake baby bump (because does anybody really know what those protesters are after? I don’t.) Why are we not talking about this? Why is it not scrolling news along the bottom of CNN? Because we’re afraid of the truth.

There are some theories as to why Beyoncé would fake a baby bump or pregnancy, a popular one being that she’s not actually pregnant, but has a baby incubating in a surrogate (further Beyoncé-hating theories speculate that she’s doing this because she’s too selfish and vain to put her body through pregnancy, as we all know any woman who isn’t quick to embrace all the swelling, weight gain, fatigue and discomfort of pregnancy is a terrible person). Beyoncé doesn’t  want to admit that she’s using a surrogate, and so is faking her pregnancy until the surrogate delivers the baby.

Beyoncé has of course refuted these ridiculous claims, but some say, if those claims are so ridiculous, why address them in the first place? “Doth protest too much”, meet “lady.”

There are others who claim that Beyoncé was photographed recently displaying a nude baby bump while she was at the beach recently, and that can’t be faked, but this is where my own expertise comes in. Feed me a big dinner and I can show you a stomach that looks at least seven months pregnant, if not ten or eleven. Plus, anybody who watches Arrested Development knows that realistic false baby bumps do exist.

So, yes, based on the folding in of the belly and the fact that I think the bikini photos could be faked, I’m going to go with this conspiracy. Why? Because this conspiracy is fun. If it turned out to be true, how crazy would that be? Those of us who believe in it would all look like geniuses. And if it’s not true, isn’t it so much better to think it is than to contemplate what’s going on in Greece, or how the Bears are doing, or that the days are getting shorter and shorter? This is so much more fun to think about than real life! It’s my new religion, basically is what I’m saying.

As for my own theory, I think that Beyonce is wearing the fake belly in order to keep snacks in there at the ready. It’s as good a reason as any.

I want to believe.