You don't know this, dear readers, but I'm currently on vacation: all the posts I've published since last week I scheduled ahead of time. You probably are wondering how someone as glamorous and sophisticated as I have my act together as well as I do. Well I'll tell you: I have a few little secrets for making my flights as comfy as can be. Why leave an airplane a stinky, wrinkly sleepy mess when you can do as I do? It's easy! Here are the few things I require:
A good book
I swear by a cashmere blanket. It keeps me warm and is so light and soft! I bought it when I was on vacation in Iceland. Actually, what it is is a cashmere blanket that’s made of other cashmere blankets stitched together, so in addition to the one from Iceland, it is also made from one I picked up in Cortona, one from Java, one from Patagonia, one from Monaco and one that my good friend Martha Stewart gave me for Christmas one year. I can’t fly without it!!!!
Aromatherapy candles. I just ask the stewardesses if they light a little one at my seat. If they say no I tell a little white lie and say that my doctor prescribed them for me for my anxiety. Usually they say yes. The scent of sandalwood or patchouli musk just makes flying soooo much more civilized.
A sleep mask. I may look silly when I wear it but I swear it helps me rest. The trick is making sure that the airline folk don’t make you check it. I take it out of its protective crate, pull it over my head, secure the nozzles and filters, pull down the sun visor and flip the switches. Night-night!
Moisturizer. I swear by this kind that my mom used to use made of kitten placentas. It's old school, but my skin feels so soft after the flight! I eat it with a spoon.
A gluten-free meal. I’m not really gluten-intolerant but I just like being difficult. Here’s a trick: I tell the stewardess that I’m allergic to gluten and if she questions that I'm going to have her prosecuted with committing a hate crime. Yummy!
Some medication. I have a hard time falling asleep when I fly, so for any flight that lasts a half-hour or more, I take twelve anti-anxiety pills along with a little bellini. When I wake up three days later, I feel totally refreshed.
My pet llama. When I feel nervous about turbulence, her spitting and braying makes me laugh and distracts me. I tell the crew that she's my companion animal and they are forced to let her on the plane. When I arrive, I leave her on the plane for the cleaning crew to pick up and throw away because by then, I'm tired of her and want a new llama.
A destination where I can keep things “real” and really take in the culture, but without any gross toilets, food, traffic, hotels or people in general. It’s the little things.
Bon voyage, darlings! The weather is here, wish you were beautiful! Ha ha! I say that because I'm insane.