The last Yahoo! front-page story you’ll ever need

August 1, 2011

 

 

Every morning Yahoo! greets people with some new headline like “Top 10 Jobs Earning Over 100K Right Out of College,” or “Top 8 Cities for Cat Lovers.” If you’re like me, you can’t help clicking on the link, even though you’re not right out of college or a cat lover. And then you feel silly. And then angry at Yahoo!! And then even angrier at Yahoo! for making you write two confusing exclamation points in a row in the last sentence, one to properly spell Yahoo! and the other for exclamatory emphasis to show just how angry at Yahoo! you are.

In an effort to stop the madness, I’ve delved into the Yahoo! archives and come up with . . . The Last Yahoo! Top Whatever Story You’ll Ever Need!

I call it:

 

Top 4 Used Cars to Avoid Driving to One of the Top 5 Six-Figure Jobs That Don’t Require a Degree in One of the Top 10 Cities for the Next Decade as You Plan a Top 10 Amazing Animal Adventure and Think About the Top 8 Scary Health Risks in Your Own Backyard All the While Drinking One of the Top 6 Drinks That Shrink Your Belly

 

1. “Owners of the (Volkswagen Beetle) told Consumers Reports that they had trouble with the climate control system and power equipment” on their way to their $128,000-a-year nuclear power reactor manager job in Salt Lake City, where “you can’t beat the cost of living,” making it easier to afford both a “fast, short and unforgettable” ostrich ride in South Africa’s Oudtshoorn region and a watermelon smoothie, which, “as long as long they’re made without surgary mixers . . . decrease body fat and increase lean muscle mass,” so you have the energy to enclose your unfenced pool.

2.  Those driving a used Chrysler Town & Country while enjoying a pineapple frappe on their way to apply for a $159,000-a-year air traffic controller job that they’re confident they’ll receive because “many air traffic controllers are baby boomers nearing retirement age” and they live in Seattle, which “is revising its tax, zoning and permit policies to make (it) more business-friendly,” report “problems with the suspension, brakes, climate system and power equipment” and hope that the repair costs don’t cut into their pesticide residue-removing budget or impact their upcoming trip to Mozambique’s Gorongosa National Park to watch a massive crab migration.

3. Even if you have a used Volkswagen Passat, which “despite being praised by reviewers when new” is subject to problems with the “fuel, electrical and climate systems,” not to mention the “power equipment,” you should be able to grab a dark chocolate shake (“Yes, really. Chocolate — especially the dark kind — helps you slim down”) in your “booming” hometown of Washington, D.C. neighborhood and still make it by foot — D.C. is also one of the Top 20 walking cities — to your job as the city’s six-figure-salary fire chief without getting in trouble and being forced to cancel your surf on a horse vacation in Brandenton, Fla., and thus have to spend the time dealing with toxic plants.

4. Those looking to bond with gorillas should drink iced peppermint tea, “which helps prevent bloat” (gorillas dislike bloat); save up money from their  $109,000-a-year elevator mechanic gig in Rochester, Minn., where “synergy among the city’s resources has been well cultivated and is paying dividends;” put off for another day fixing their weather-worn deck (“When was the last time you water-proofed your deck?”) and forget driving their Ford Expedition, because (a) “even if you need the large-capacity hauling . . . the big boy of the Ford SUV line . . . gets the minimum two circles from J.D. Power and (b) the gorillas are in Virunga National Park in Congo, which is too far to drive to.

 

IN OTHER NEWS . . .

After a month off, I’m excited to be at The Hideout (1354 W. Wabansia) this Friday, Aug. 5, for The Interview Show. My guests are WTF podcaster Marc Maron, The Deal From Hell author James O’Shea and musicians Jon Langford and Lawrence Peters. 6:30 p.m. to 8 p.m. $8.

 

(All quotes in the above were taken from stories from Yahoo!’s various sites, such as Yahoo! Travel, Yahoo! Autos and Yahoo! Real Estate. Original sources providing Yahoo! with content include SmarterTravel.com, CBS MoneyWatch.com, Prevention, Kiplinger and CNNmoney.com.)