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October 7, 2011

Up to 10 whole days to process an unsubscribe request to stop receiving the Jewel-Osco e-newsletter? Here are my best guesses as to why.

• The person who handles all Jewel-Osco digital communications available only when not needed for bagging or behind on homework.

• Jewel-Osco digital staff currently busy developing breakthrough technology that will allow future e-newsletters to smell like Wicker Park location.

• Handles unsubscribe requests on same timetable as receiving new produce.

• All Jewel-Osco employees being sent this week to River Forest location to break one wheel on each of the store’s brand-new shopping carts.

• Feeling too down in the dumps since receiving unsubscribe request to do much of anything.

• Finally stocking erotic pasta and hoping next week’s e-newsletter promoting it convinces you to change your mind.

• Can only process 50,000 unsubscribe requests per day.

• Entire Jewel-Osco digital team currently working to extricate baby with poop-filled diaper somehow stuck in the online cart at jewelosco.com.

• Jewel-Osco digital department’s 56K modem has been super slow lately.

• Punishment for bringing more items than allowed in the Express line.

• Until Jewel-Osco received “unsubscribe” request, didn’t know it sent out e-mails.

• Clean up in Aisle 5 taking longer than anticipated.