How the U.S. Postal Service can make up the $5.1 billion it lost this year

November 17, 2011

"The U.S. Postal Service said Tuesday that it lost $5.1 billion in the past year." — Associated Press

How the U.S. Postal Service can make up the $5.1 billion it lost this year: 

• Raise price of stamps to $5.1 billion for one year. Get one extremely wealthy person in America to send just one letter.

• Sell The Definitive Map to the Stars’ Homes on street corners in Beverly Hills.

• Drive efficiency by giving all postal workers e-mail addresses instead of stubbornly making them use U.S. mail to coordinate meetings, exchange files, etc.

• Cancel mail on Saturdays. Also remove “sleet” from that poem about conditions mail carriers will work in.

• Don’t let people get away with that "writing DON’T BEND on envelopes" crap. (Note: This won’t save money but may boost morale.)

• Somehow convince Bed, Bath & Beyond to mail out more 20%-off coupons.

• Compete with airlines by letting people put themselves in boxes with holes on top and then mail themselves to their destination.

• Cancel this year’s Postal Service holiday party featuring Led Zeppelin reunion.

• Set up a meeting with AOL to discuss working together again.

• Promise same-day delivery. Apologize later.

• Replace rude woman behind counter at my local post office with rude robot.

• Eliminate mail carriers. Drop off mail at one person’s house on every block, let people pass mail down the street until everyone gets theirs. 

• Do a better job getting the word out about Sweetest Day.

• Let people mail weed.

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More ideas to recoup the $5.1 billion? Let me know in the comments.