“George Clooney may have hired a bodyguard for new girlfriend Stacy Keibler (who reportedly keeps the actor posted on Keibler’s doings, whenever he’s not around), but she likely won’t complain. Thanks to her Clooney connection, Keibler’s fee for special appearances has more than tripled — to $25,000.” — Bill Zwecker, in the Sun-Times
Human Resources Person #1: Good news on the holiday party! Got a great deal on napkins and we’re coming in way under budget. $25,000 under in fact.
Human Resources Person #2: That is fantastic! Hey, are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Human Resources Person #1 and Human Resources #2 (in unison): We can get Stacy Keibler to make a special appearance!
Drug Dealer #1: The Feds are onto us. We need to make 25 grand disappear . . . and fast.
Drug Dealer #2: Yeah. And we got to do it in a way that won’t raise any eyebrows. Hire a minor celebrity for a special appearance or somethin’.
Drug Dealer #1: Get me Stacy Keibler!
Sports Memorabilia Show Assistant Producer: Albert Pujols’ people called. He’s canceling.
Sports Memorabilia Show Head Producer: No!!!! I’ve got hundreds of attendees thinking they’re getting a Pujols autograph. YOU better fix this.
Sports Memorabilia Show Assistant Producer: Already have, Boss. Paid the $25,000 to Stacy Keibler to make a special appearance; she’s got great legs and she’s agreed to sign Pujols’ name.
Century Village Retirement Community Manager: The residents are boycotting this month’s Shecky Green appearance. Enough is enough, they’re saying. And now they’re threatening to move to another village unless we get Stacy something or other from that dancing stars show.
Century Village Retirement Community Entertainment Director: Stacy Keibler?! But she’s $25,000 for a special appearance! It’ll blow our entire winter budget!
Century Village Retirement Community Manager: I don’t care if Keibler costs $125,000. Just book her.
Horny, Friendless 15-Year-Old With Wealthy Parents Currently Sailing Around the World: Hi, are you the one who handles Stacy Keibler’s special appearances? Excellent. Oh, and do you take American Express?
Kim Jong Un: How is the memorial service for my father coming along?
Minion: Very good, Great Successor. But, um, well, we haven’t been able to secure Stacy Keibler for a special appearance.
Kim Jong Un: What?????? In my father’s final breath, he said, “Have Stacy Keibler say a few words. Pay her $25,000, which is her new rate.” Now, bring Keibler to Pyongyang or die!
Minion: Yes, Great Successor.
Kim Jong Un: And tell her we’ll throw in a nuke if she wears a miniskirt.
Stacy Keibler Fan Club Social Chair: Stacy has raised her fee to $25,000!
Stacy Keibler Fan Club Treasurer: There’s no way we can afford her!
Stacy Keibler Fan Club Secretary: But she always makes a special appearance at our annual meeting!
Stacy Keibler Fan Club Vice President: Yeah, and she’s the sole reason we exist!
Stacy Keibler Fan Club President: Get me Kim Jon Un!
Packaged Food Expo President: No, no, no, you got it all wrong! I said a Keebler Elves special appearance.