5 Machete questions with Chad the Bird

December 2, 2011

This week the Machete welcomes Chicago fiction legend Stuart Dybek, as well as special musical guest Canasta. And, of course, trusted Machete Avian Op-Ed columnist Chad the Bird (the creation of Crash Pad puppeteer Josh Zagoren) will be holding court behind the bar of the Horseshoe. Chad is this week's spotlighted artist. Let's play 5 Questions, shall we?

1. What's stuck in your craw this week, and how will you be approaching it in the Machete?
First of all, my craw is none of your damn business. I don’t ask you how your colon is doing, cuz I don’t wanna know cuz I’m not a perv. See, the “craw” is the bird stomach and frankly, it’s a sensitive area. So, okay, I get that you’re just being country, but it’s 2011. Second of all, Bird Flu. They’re making it in labs. It’s true and it pisses me off, so I’m squawking about that this Saturday. 

2. If you could do anything else on this Saturday afternoon besides perform your regular column in The Paper Machete, it would be...
Melting Tootsie Rolls into goo and rubbing it all over January Jones. I don’t get why people are so down on her on the show [Mad Men], she’s a sweet pepper! 

3. In your entire schooling, what was the subject you in which you performed most poorly? Have you been required to demonstrate knowledge of that subject since?
Track. I suck at track. Why is it so popular? The only time I ever want to be running at all is when I run away from douche bags who are good at track. 

4. a) Name your favorite Baldwin or Dog Name, and give at least one sentence of explanation. b) Name your least favorite Baldwin or Dog Name, and give at least one sentence of explanation.
I’m a fan of Adam Baldwin. From Firefly. He played Jayne. Not actually of the Baldwin royalty, btw. Just a coincidence, but prove me wrong that he’s not the most badass. Also I think Inspector Sniffs is a baller dog name. My least favorite is Daniel Baldwin. He’s like when you make pancakes and screw one of them up but still serve it cuz you don’t want to waste pancakes. I mean, tastes okay, but really it’s a mistake and you know it. I think calling a dog Shivers is mean.

5. As a member of the Chicago performance-art community, what lucrative career do you now wish you'd chosen to pursue instead?
Crash Test Dummy. If I could pull that off, I’d be a legend. Now get out of my house.

The Paper Machete is a weekly live magazine at the Horseshoe in North Center. It's always at 3 p.m., it's always on Saturday, and it's always free. Listen to the most recent The Paper Machete Radio Magazine here, or download it from iTunes here.