The problem with pregnant women today is that their placentas don’t taste good

May 16, 2012

Last night I reviewed the TV show Pregnant in Heels for the A.V. Club. As I mention in my review, there was a woman on the show who revealed a plan to eat her placenta after she gave birth to her baby.

I believe that it’s been well-established by this point that eating your placenta is standard practice. January Jones did it; New York magazine did an article on it; Christine on Pregnant In Heels did it. So, basically,  it's de rigueur at this point. If you have to ask why, I just feel embarrassed for you.

However, looking at Christine’s face as she choked down her placenta smoothie, I was struck by a problem that afflicts way too many pregnant women: We are growing gross-tasting placentas.

To address this problem, I have carefully developed a diet plan that will result in a tasty placenta that you will enjoy eating after you give birth. It goes a little something like this:

  • Candy all day long
  • Occasional cake and cookie supplements
  • Pie for dessert
  • Ice cream snacks
  • Milkshakes for hydration
  • Fruit chew vitamins

Now if you’re wondering whether this diet is approved by doctors, the answer is a resounding yes!! Just trust me on this though and don’t be uncool and go asking a doctor to back this up. She’s busy! Leave her alone.

If you stick to this plan, after you give birth, your placenta will come out looking something like this. Meanwhile, your baby will look adorable, like this. Best of all, everyone will want a piece of your nutritious, healthful placenta, so not only will the father of your child adore you for bringing new life into the world, he’ll appreciate you “baking” him a tasty treat! (The placenta, not the baby. )

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