The case of the magical butts

August 1, 2012

There is a mysterious person who works on my floor who has, I’ve discerned, a magical butt. What makes her butt so magical? I’m not exactly sure, but it  must truly be special based on what I’ve gleaned from her bathroom behavior. This woman uses paper toilet seat covers in the ladies room, but then declines to throw or flush them away after use. This means, of course, that her butt is so pristine that it must not touch the horribly horribly diseased seats that the rest of us use, but is also so heavenly that it’s a privilege for the next person to come along and deal with it.

I’m not sure if men’s restrooms have this same issue but there’s an astounding display of hypocrisy on any given day in a shared ladies’ restroom. Paper toilet seat covers left behind by those too afraid of other people’s behinds but too inconsiderate to think of the next user. Dirty handles from those who use their feet to flush the toilets because clearly cancer can be transmitted in the 30 seconds it takes to go from flushing the toilet to washing hands. And my favorite, pee-covered seats from the squatters.

You miserable squatters.

I understand that squatting can be a self-perpetuating problem. You’re at a dark bar, it’s late, the bathroom hasn’t been cleaned in a long time and you note that the toilet seat has been sprinkled with a bouquet of DNA from dozens of women, so you go ahead and squat as well, because, ew.

But someone was the patient zero of squatting to start with. Some lady decided that her precious behind couldn’t touch the same toilet seat as those who went before her and started the whole routine. “Gross, I’m not letting my butt touch this seat!” she thinks, as she sprays her urine everywhere. What a delicate flower.

I take a stand against squatting, myself, partially to be a self-righteous martyr (“SIGH. No big deal, I’ll just wipe down this toilet seat because SOMEBODY HAS TO”) and partially because I don’t want to exercise when I go to the ladies’. Squatting is for camping. Sitting is for the city. Why are we forcing ourselves to do chair sits when we could be relaxing for a moment?

The message I want to send out there to the bathroom offenders is that you and your butts are not special. You are not less gross than the rest of us and you’re also a little uninformed. Do a bit of research on how many horrible diseases have been transmitted  via toilet seat and you may come away surprised. If you want to be clean, wash your hands after you use the toilet. It’s really quite that simple. You will, of course, immediately come into disgusting germs the next second you handle your phone or grab some cash or open a door. But at least in those cases you aren’t making life a pain for the lady right behind you. Unless you just make it a habit to spray people with urine, in which case, I think you have some bigger problems than just germs.