Tentative plans for the Zulkey inauguration

January 22, 2013

There will be constant Air Force jet flyovers with colored smoke, because those are awesome. Nobody will be able to hear anything but they will be too thrilled to care.

I will be preceded by marching band with a thousand male baton twirlers, because that would be interesting and unexpected.

I will ride up in a magnificent carriage pulled by twelve gorgeous horses, because why don’t we do things with horses anymore in America? Why do only British weddings get this?

I will request that my friend Abraham Levitan make up a humorous, inspiring song about me and my special day and that everyone in attendance memorize the lyrics and sing along.

I will be wearing a gigantic hat as will everyone else in attendance since they will be mandatory. Hats will be provided if audience members don’t bring their own.

Hugh Jackman, Joel McHale and Conan O’Brien will all simultaneously hold the Bible I swear in on.  

Paul McCartney will then sing “Hey Jude” but change the lyrics to “Hey Claire.”

Solange Knowles will also perform just because Beyonce has had plenty of opportunities so far. Let the other one get a turn.

My purse will be one of those small shopping bags women carry their lunches in because those are the best kind of bags.

At the inaugural ball, mac and cheese, champagne and good chocolate chip cookies will all be served, alongside snack mix that does not contain either those little weird rice space-filling snackies nor sesame crackers because I hate those.