I am writing this post from the distant past. Will there be snow tonight? Did the storm miss us? It's really irrelevant because you are coming out tonight to the return of Chicago's favorite literary humor reading series!
All right, baby. You’ve been with the company for six months, now, and, as is customary, we’d like to review your performance since you’ve joined us and look over your goals for the future:
Sleeping: Good; room for improvement. You’ve come a long way, baby, since those first few weeks when we were all living on the edge there. Now you get up once a night to eat and once a night to be rescued after you’ve backed yourself into a corner of the crib.
Goals for 2013: According to the pediatrician, by eight months we can just close the door on your room and say goodnight for ten to twelve hours. This may be a difficult goal to achieve but we know you can do it. It is in the company’s best interests that you meet this milestone.
Crying: Satisfactory. You have gotten a lot better about not crying as much as you’ve grown older, partially because we have figured out that it’s better to put you down at 7 PM instead of watching you fuss and bitch and moan for another hour or two.
A few years ago when I was promoting my novel I was invited to the cleverly-named independent bookstore Read Between the Lynes in Woodstock to make an appearance. I was charmed by the lovely, warm store located in the town square, which feels like a shopping locale from another era (specifically, one that recurs again and again; Woodstock, as you may know, was where Groundhog Day was filmed.) As part of WBEZ’s closer look at Woodstock, I sent some questions to Read Between the Lynes owner and operator Arlene Lynes.
How and when did you come to Woodstock?
I came to Woodstock in March of 1997. We relocated here from New Jersey for a new position for my husband.
How has Woodstock changed since you first arrived?
Woodstock has grown with lots of new housing/retail developments in the past 16 years. Not all bad, but the flavor of agriculture is not as prominent!
What type of community is it to live and work in? Do you think it's friendlier to independent businesses than other cities?
My friend Steve Gadlin asked on Facebook recently, "What should I put under my daughter's pillow to replace her baby tooth? Funny answers only." Here are the best of the responses:Someone else's tooth
An itemized invoice
A dinosaur tooth
A dead parrot
Broccoli
A skull with all of its teeth missing except the one she placed under the pillow
More teeth
A letter that reads: Dear Izzie, Thank you for ripping me away from my family, whom I loved dearly. Ask your daddy what revenge means. Sleep tight. Love, Tooth #1
Two pounds of raw beef
A note from an evil alchemical scientist telling her he is now a little bit closer to creating a homunculus
The Spanish inquisition! (no one expects that!)
Some rad decals
Super glue
Pull out your own teeth and a note that says "we are all in this together"
A doughnut
Mexican pesos
This weekend I reviewed Beyoncé’s documentary Life Is But A Dream for the AV Club.“Documentary” is not quite the right word, though, as I expect most documentaries to reveal something or tell a story about their subjects, but since LIBAD was produced, written and directed by its subject and basically used footage that she either took or owns, it wasn’t exactly objective.
It was tightly-controlled and highly flattering to its subject.
Last year I shared with my readers the wonderful Valentine's Day video my husband makes for me every February 14. This year, he had an accomplice:
Bonus: this is what my computer looked like when I came downstairs this morning:
I didn’t mean for this to be Catholicism week on my blog but it’s going that way. I don’t have an interview with a saint lined up for Friday or anything though, don’t worry.
A few days ago my friend Erica asked me what I was giving up for Lent. Ugh. It’s Lent again?
My first instinct was to say "Nintendo," which has been my joke answer since about 7th grade once I had passed the point of actually wanting to play Nintendo (unlike my brother, for whom giving up Nintendo would actually have been a sacrifice.) This is an example of your traditional sarcastic Catholic answer, which often takes the form of "Catholicism" when questioned "What are you giving up for Lent?" (This year the popular sarcastic answer is "The Pope.")
I’d bring new fresh ideas to the Church like putting all the nuns in charge and re-instating the fun-to-say “It is right to give Him thanks and praise” and maybe swapping out the “Peace be with you” handshake for a more hygienic long-distance high-five. I tweet a lot.
There might be a slightly different attitude towards abuse of small children if a former altar server and parent of a small child were in charge.
I like both bread and wine.
Every day of Lent would be Fat Tuesday until Easter.
When pop culture makes fun of Catholicism, instead of embarrassing us by getting all outraged I’ll say something more along the lines of “Okay, you got us, that was pretty good.”
I used to take Italian and Latin.
The Church would be much more inclusive because then when parishes have church parties we could maybe rent out a club instead of having to use the old church rectory basement again.
I look good in hats and dresses.
It’s time for another Polish pope.
I got my flu shot so I’m good to go.
