“What’s your secret?” my friend asks me.
“Probably that I steal people’s pets and then return them for the reward money,” I reply.
“No,” he says. “I mean, what’s the secret to your easygoing, worry-free, almost criminally naive outlook on life?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” I tell him. “Every January, I get the wax professionally removed from my ears.”
It was only after this discussion that I realized how selfish I’d been, keeping this panacea to myself. And so while normally I hate to be pedantic, in the interest of making the quickly approaching 2012 a more peaceful year, in which love and respect rule the day and people actually listen to one another, I’m imploring everyone to immediately make an ear irrigation appointment at his or her local hospital.
Don’t worry about being shut out — I’ve alerted all area medical facilities to bulk up their staffs to meet the onslaught that this blog will undoubtedly cause, and I’ve personally donated my own monogrammed water-jet ear syringe to Northwestern Memorial.
So, put aside your other New Year’s resolutions until you’ve had this important procedure. In fact, you may even find that afterward, making good on your other resolutions will be effortless.
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