Dan Telfer doesn't like the Olympics and neither should you

July 26, 2012

Download Story

You might love the Olympics, and you might think you're not alone, but there's at least one man out there who vehemently disagrees with you. Comedian Dan Telfer, whose new album Tendrils of Ruin is out this week, shared his thoughts on the greatest display of human physical perfection ever at The Paper Machete.

"No matter what feats of strength are achieved, it is also a piece of civilization’s detritus stuck to Gaea’s hangnail," he said bluntly. Read an excerpt below or listen above.

This is going to sound extremely negative to some of you. But I like to dig down to the bottom of my misery and bring up all the shiny ore I found on the way down. I hear you Olympic fans like shiny ore. I am going to speak optimistically. Eventually.

Go home after this and Google “Olympics good.” Chicago Mayor Rahm Emmanuel will tell you that this was the correct Google search, as will lots of politicians. No surprise here: politicians NEED the Olympics. It is the ultimate networking event! You will make friends, recieve contributions and favors from around the world for the rest of the world. Why would you TRUST Rahm Emanuel with anything? When he found out who made the fake @MayorEmanuel Twitter account, he gave a huge donation to a local youth literacy group and made a HUGE media event out of it, in the same breath he tried to slit the throat of Chicago Public Libraries. So Rahm Emanuel is a GREAT guy to hang out with. As long as you’re not the kind of person who ACTUALLY HANGS OUT at a LIBRARY. Rahm LOVES the Olympics.

Google “Olympics bad” and you will get massive, sadly unsexy data. So instead of just reading the “FACTS” and being “RIGHT” try going to Atlanta. Ask them how 1996 went. Ask anyone within a two hour drive of Atlanta how they liked it when the international community came to eat all their French fries, sprayed their leavings into their exploding pipes, and almost turned them into Detroit Junior forever. Luckily, instead, it’s great. In parts.

The Paper Machete is a weekly live magazine at the Horseshoe in North Center. It's always at 3 p.m., it's always on Saturday, and it's always free. Get all your The Paper Machete Radio Magazine needs filled here, or download the podcast from iTunes here.