The nanny state keeps an eye on baby New York City

September 21, 2012

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"We are just making healthy choices easier," said New York City Health Commissioner Thomas Farley Wednesday about the city's new ban on large soft drinks.

But Comedian Nicky Margolis thinks the "Greatest City on Earth" (and the people in it) is being treated a little too delicately: So carefully as to almost be a child, unable to protect itself from the world. Read an excerpt below or listen above:

OK Mayor Bloomberg, we're almost set to leave. Thank you again for agreeing to babysit our dear little New York City. Before we leave for the night, we have just a few more instructions for taking care of our precious little city.

Now you already know about his special dietary needs: no surgary drinks over 16 ounces and no trans fat  none! We would also like to add to the list no gluten, no peanuts, no dairy, no niacin just to be safe. And no eating anything that describes itself as marshmallow-y. It's not a word, it shouldn't be a food.

Also when he goes for a slice its now more of a strip. No one needs pizza that big. In this house, we fold our laundry, not our food. We are currently working on New York's potty mouth; we know it's a problem. We do not condone such embarassing behavior, however warranted the swearing may feel. And believe me  I've been there. Do you think I like standing behind the idiot who can't see to walk and meanders everywhere? No, who walks like that? But still, I'm a lady about it.

Anyway, the point is is that we've implemented a city-wide swear jar initiative. There are swear jars placed conviently on every corner, on bus stops, on subway platforms, in delis, anywhere a TV is present. A quarter for each bad word will do. Any use of the "C word" will get an immediate five dollar fine and a five hour course in women's studies.

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