All with a straight face

August 22, 2012

 

News Item: "Republican organizers have announced 'We Built It' as the theme for the second day of the party's national convention. . . ."
. . .  in a stadium that would not have existed without the help of government funds.
 

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News Headline: "Republicans condemn 'legitimate rape' remark."
News Headline: "Republican platform to ban all abortions, no exceptions for rape and incest."
It was necessary to condemn the words of Rep. Todd Akin (R-Mo.).
But the GOP hasn't taken its eye off the ball.
The platform will still guarantee a rapist's fatherhood rights.
Although, as Akin said, there should be "some punishment" involved.
Of course, that still leaves the matter of a rapist's Second Amendment right to have a firearm. . . .
 

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News Headine: "Obama speaks out against 'legitimate rape' comments."
Obama and the Democrats may have been soft on Wall Street prosecutions, gun laws and on and on.
But there are still times when their courage comes to the fore.
They are against rape, and they don't care who knows it.
 

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News Item: "Boston Market is reportedly pulling salt shakers off its tables and plans to reduce sodium levels in some of its food."
T.F., a Luxemburg, Wis., reader, wrote recently to complain about "Nanny State behavior-controlling-liberty-suppressing wusses."
It is worse than that, T.F.
There is the Nanny State.
And now we have Nanny Free Enterprise.
 

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News Headline: "Robot to throw first pitch at Detroit Tigers game."
Hey, ump
Just make sure you check under its cap for servo lubricant.
 

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News Headline (2010): "GOP leader admits to being nude in hot tub with teen."
News Headline (2010): "GOP candidate for Kennedy's seat did nude centerfold."
News Headline (2011): "GOP lawmaker resigns after nude photos surface."
News Headline (2012): "GOP rep sorry for nude swim in Sea of Galilee."
Will the GOP please put its clothes back on?
 

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QT Summer Travel Advisory:
A 13-ton boulder carved into John Wayne's head is now on public view in Lubbock, Texas.
 

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News Headline:   "Trash-talking, back-biting and turmoil: 4 revelations about the Obama campaign."
1. There is trash-talking in the Obama campaign.
2. There is back-biting in the Obama campaign.
3. There is turmoil in the Obama campaign.
4.The Obama campaign is a lot like life.
 

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News Headline: "Paris Hilton says she is living in the moment."
It has now been 1,894 days since Paris Hilton announced she would be leaving public life.
Not that anyone is counting.
 

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News Headline: "Religious conservatives claim Katrina was God's omen, punishment."
News Headline: "Could hurricane wreak havoc at Republican convention?"
Hmm.
 

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News Item: Protesters in Woodbury, N.Y., gather against use of the  word "illegal" to describe immigrants who enter the United States without documentation.
In other news, police were seeking two burglars in a series of undocumented entries. . . .
 

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News Item: ". . . Binge-drinking was defined as consuming more than four drinks on one occasion for women, and more than five for men, at least once during a two-week period. . . ."
Add binges to the list of things that aren't what they used to be.
 

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QT Vote Count Countdown Update:
News Headline: "The GOP convention: Will voters finally meet the 'real' Mitt Romney?"
News Headline: "Does Ryan's VP run imperil his House race?"
News Headline: "Has Obama gone soft on welfare?"
News Headline: "Does Mitt Romney need to tap into his feminine side?"
News Headline: "Should Joe Biden apologize for his 'back in chains' quip?"
News Headline: "Is Joe Biden hurting Obama's re-election odds?"
News Headline: "What's good for Bain good for the U.S.?"
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
A thousand times no.
And what do you think Mitt Romney is hiding in those tax returns, anyway?
 

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News Item: "President Kurbanguly Berdymukhamedov of Turkmenistan repealed bans on. . . ."
You may think you are having a bad day, but at least you are not a Turkmen radio announcer.
 

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News Headline: "Wall Street hits four-year high."
All part of President Obama's socialist scheme to collapse the economy.
 

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Everyone else is doing it.
QT thought it would get in on a good thing, too.
 

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QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
M.E. an Evanston reader, writes:
"Is there a word for people who ask a question and then answer it? I'm sure you know people like this."
Can QT help you? Yes.
You are referring to anthypophora, which can involve anacoenosis.
 Are you sorry you asked? Yes.
"Mano a mano" means "hand-to-hand," by the way.

Write to QT at qt@wbez.org
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