Dumb beasts in the news

August 3, 2012


QT Worldwide Man-Bites-Dog Pinpoint Locator:
As of the thirty-first dog day of summer, there have been no new reports of a man biting a dog.
But Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) has introduced a bill to legalize dog fighting.
King argues that if people are allowed to watch other people fight, why not allow people to watch dogs fight?
King believes, also, that the source of President Obama's birth announcement may have been a "telegram from Kenya."
King won 66 percent of his district's vote in 2010.
There are nine dog days to go.


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News Headline: "Topless protest hits Olympics."
Police restored order when they realized that two half-naked women running and shouting in every direction was not a medal event.
 

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News Headline: "Iran will be able to produce an atomic bomb this year — Israel."
News Headline: "Iran to have nuclear bomb in six months, says Israel."
No. Wait.
That second headline was from seven years ago.
Sorry.

 

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House Speaker John Boehner regarding President Obama:
"He's never even had a real job, for Christ's sake."
How many times do the Republicans have to tell us?
Being a teacher isn't a real job.
 

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News Headline: "Writer Gore Vidal, 86, has died."
We pause a moment and remember it was Vidal who noted:
"The United States has two political parties: the Anti-Abortion Corporate Party and the Pro-Abortion Corporate Party."

 

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David Magdziarz, a Chicago reader, writes:
"Some Higgs humor. What subatomic particle was once hunted almost to extinction but now is not considered endangered? The Higgs bison!"
All right.
Why is a Higgs boson like a Roman Catholic priest?
It gives mass!
QT has a million of them.

 

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News Headline: "Ann Romney's horse delivers solid performance."
News Headline: "Ann Romney horse dazzles."
Is it too late for the Republicans to switch to the horse?

 

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Modern Education + the Criminal Mind =
A Seattle drug dealer was arrested after he distributed his phone number on leaflets saying "CALL IF YOU NEED METH!"

 

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News Headline: "Chik-fil-A vs. gay-rights advocates: Winners and losers."
It is too early to know the winners.
And it is too early to know the losers.
OK. Except for the chickens.

 

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News Headline: "No woman left behind."
News Headline: "No teenager left behind."
News Headline: "No teacher left behind."
News Headline: "No worker left behind."
News Headline: "No artist left behind."
News Headline: "No pet left behind."
Does this suggest something we should leave behind?

 

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The number of Google hits for "tap-dancing militant Islamic fundamentalists" has remained steady for two months at 1,210, for those keeping track.
There remain 0 Google hits for "nicely understated Olympic ceremony."
 

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News Headline: "Were ancient Greek athletes tougher than today's Olympians?"
Yes.
News Headline: "Will athletes ever stop breaking world records?"
Yes.
Sportswriting is easier than QT thought.
 

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QT News Presented Without Comment:
A Texas man is recovering after he texted "I need to quit texting" just as he drove his car off a cliff.
 

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News Headline: "Couple accused of Walmart sex."
And they felt cheap when it was done.
 

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From the QT Archive of Knowledge:
+ Some penguins were once five feet tall.
+ Americans own half the world's guns.
 

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Today's Birthdays: La Scala, 234; "Surfer Girl," 49.

 

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QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
Dave Kalsch, a Chicago reader, writes:
"You may be correct that it is 'a penny for your thought,' not 'a penny for your thoughts.' But if you are like me, you have lots of thoughts. So a penny wouldn't do it. What about 'a penny for your thought' and 'a nickel for your thoughts'?"
And maybe a double sawbuck for Stephen Hawking.
Thither is farther from hither than yon, by the way.

Write to QT at qt@wbez.org
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