Omnipotence isn't what it used to be

August 1, 2012


News Headline: "Dutchman builds replica of Noah's Ark after flood dream."
News Headline: "Mystery billionaire builds world's biggest yacht."
The billionaire's yacht is 150 feet longer than God's.
 

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News Headline: "What happened to Michael Phelps? 5 theories."
1. He is older.
2. He isn't getting any younger.
3. He is getting up there.
4. He isn't as young as he used to be.
5. So he is slower.
 

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News Headline: "Bain investor: Romney 'didn't pay any taxes for 10 years.' "
These accusations are getting wildly out of hand.
If only there were some kind of documentation that could set them all to rest.

 

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News Item: ". . . explained the Higgs boson on CNN by comparing it to Justin Bieber fans: A normal person can move through the fans unimpeded, but as Justin moves through the girls, they flock to him, slowing him down and creating a sense of mass or inertia. . . ."
Next up: Paris Hilton and string theory.
 

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QT Digest of Rush Limbaugh's Tuesday Show (for Your Convenience):
"We're loaded."
This is entirely out of context, which seems about right.
And it does explain so much.

 

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Joe Ross, a Minneapolis reader, regarding the  misconduct investigation of a Canadian judge whose naked sex photos were posted on the Internet with a lawyer who had already submitted his briefs — well, Joe wonders if their assets were frozen during the discovery process.
 

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QT Early Warning System:
The Republican National Convention will coincide with the 14th World Congress on Pain in Milan, Italy.

 

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News Headline: "Police search for gunman after argument over sippy cup."
News Headline: "Driver takes offense at plaid jacket, tries to run wearer down."
So it has finally come to this:
Sippy-cup rage.
Now as to the plaid jacket, depending on the plaid, QT can see a case. . . .

 

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QT Trickle-On Economics Update:
CEO compensation increased in Minnesota last year at 10 times the rate of workers' wages.
 

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News Item: American Academy of Dermatology designates August as National Hair Loss Awareness Month.
So you have 31 days to seek out all the people you know whose hair is thinning and inform them that you are aware of it.
And don't think they won't be grateful.

 

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News Headline: "Olympic archers provide plenty of dramatics."
Would the archers be even more dramatic if they didn't use bows loaded with more sighting and stabilizing devices than a NASA satellite?
Just wondering.

 

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From the QT Archive of Knowledge:
+ Three percent of Oktoberfests are in August.
+ A Canadian invented the baseball glove.

 

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News Headline: "Email scam involves horse, lard and sex toy death."
There is probably an interesting story behind that.
 

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QT Summer Travel Advisory:
The August 6-13 convention of the American Association for Nude Recreation  in Lutz, Fla., will feature a Nude Karaoke Night.
Please do not attempt to visualize this.
 

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QT Worldwide Man-Bites-Dog Pinpoint Locator:
As of the twenty-ninth dog day of summer, there have been no new reports of a man biting a dog.
But in other news:
+ Snoop Dogg changed his name to Snoop Lion.
+ A six-foot-long monitor lizard capable of eating dogs was found wandering in Woodland Park, Colo., after five days on the loose.
No dogs were reported missing.
There are 12 dog days to go.
 

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Today's Birthdays: Claudius, 2,022;  Coolio, 49.

 

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QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
News Item: ". . . the media is filled with reports about. . . ."
Media are, media are, media are.
News Item: ". . . without adequate plans for how the data is to be secured. . . ."
Data are, data are, data are.
News Item: ". . . and none are likely to have an impact. . . ."
None is, none is, none is.
The plural of "still life" is "still lifes," by the way.

Write to QT at qt@wbez.org
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