I need some cash. Daycare is expensive as are hospital bills and our dumb dog got hurt and so there are now vet bills and the house isn’t getting paid off for about 26 years and I have a Pier One credit card bill (who has a Pier One credit card?! Me.) because Christmas made me insane and I had to go and buy little smelly candles for my friends and did you know they charge extra for gift boxes?
I know you’re not in the habit of just handing out money these days but I think I know a way we can help each other out. I will come on your show and confess some secrets.
Don’t tell me that Lance Armstrong came to you to confess that he started doping just because he likes you and wanted to get a few things off his chest. You paid him some big bucks, bucks he’s probably going to be hurting for now that people suddenly realize that those yellow bracelets don’t really go with their outfits.
So, gimme. Give me some money. I will come on your network and admit to all sorts of shameful things that I guarantee will get you some viewers. The price is negotiable but let’s start at maybe a million? You know that’s nothing to you and is peanuts compared to what you paid Lance.
To whet your whistle, here are some things I am ready to confess to:
I also promise to be:
I will be so contrite! I will cry and grimace and even get down on my knees. But this will of course cost extra. All this honesty and desire for forgiveness ain’t free. What do you think this is, church? Confessing gratis is only for suckers or for people who don’t need cash.