5 Machete Questions with comedian Hans Holsen

Chicago comedy aficionados know there are few funnier performers around than Hans Holsen. An ensemble member of musical improv troupe Baby Wants Candy, a Barrel of Monkeys performer and teacher, an alum of Amsterdam's Boom Chicago, and a veteran of just about every comedy stage in town, Holsen lugs a trunk with plenty of stickers. Last time he played the Machete, he took on molecular gastronomy savant Grant Achatz. Tomorrow he tackles public transit.

1. What's stuck in your craw this week, and how will you be approaching it in the Machete?

This story in the Trib: Metra plans to scale back proposed fare hike for Chicago riders.

So Metra planned up to 69% fare increases, then everyone complained. Who does Metra think she is - Rahm? (Probably not. Also, does Metra have a gender? I hope so.) In the Machete I'm going to play a beleaguered higher-up at Metra trying to explain a fare hike everyone can live with.

2. If you could do anything else on this Saturday afternoon besides perform against your will in The Paper Machete, it would be...

Having a pint of ale at Owen & Engine with my wife. I just read about the English-style pub in a week-old copy of NewCity. Man, that paper has lost some weight, hasn't it? In comparison, it makes the Reader look like, I don't know, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie! Am I right? (Timely, and much appreciated, zing!)

3. In your entire schooling, what was the subject you in which you performed most poorly? Have you been required to demonstrate knowledge of that subject since?

Driver's Ed. Yes.

4. a) Name your favorite Kardashian or Haagen Dasz flavor, and give at least one sentence of explanation. b) Name your least favorite Kardashian or Haagen Dasz flavor, and give at least one sentence of explanation.

a.) My favorite Kardashian? I didn't know you could have a favorite Kardashian. I say Kotter. Kotter's my favorite, cause I made him up. He's the long-lost brother of the famous sisters, and he's such a gourd. He builds model miniature electric lawnmowers. He uses twisty straws. He's in constant contact with a fax-pal in Belarus.

b.) Least favorite Haagen Dasz flavor? Racist Sorbet.

5. As a member of the Chicago performance-art community, what lucrative career do you now wish you'd chosen to pursue instead?

Professional bocce player.

The Paper Machete is a weekly live magazine at the Horseshoe in North Center. It's always at 3 pm, it's always on Saturday, and it's always free. Listen to the most recent The Paper Machete Radio Magazine here, or download it from iTunes here.