That’s right people, the rumors you’ve heard are true: Osama and I are collaborating on a new duet, which will be available on iTunes later today for $3.99. This song is going to be hot like nothing you’ve ever heard, it’s going to get bodies sweating on the dancefloor, it’s going to get people talking, and most importantly, it’s going to make me rich.
Now, I know some of you out there are questioning the wisdom of me getting together with Zombie Osama on a song. My first mature, carefully-considered response to you, is: GO TO HELL I AM A GROWN WOMAN AND MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE THAT YOU CAN JUST F RIGHT OFF!!!!11!! But more importantly, you just don’t understand Osama like I do. Yes, he hurt me a lot back in the day. September 11 was really scary and the flight regulations that followed were a pain in the neck and the color-coded security threat level was inscrutable, but I have moved on and so should you! Don’t hate the player, hate the game. Whatever he may have done, he is a talented singer and you need to recognize that and separate that from his past. Frankly, I think it’s a little bit racist that you can’t forgive him. You don’t hate on the corpse of Timothy McVeigh for doing a duet with Kim Kardashian, but I guess white is right, huh?
Osama has paid his dues. He was on the run for years, dragging a colostomy bag around the wilderness and living in caves and stuff. Then he got killed in a scary raid. THEN he got dumped into the ocean. And you tell me he wasn’t punished for what he did? It took a lot of work finding him, getting him back out of the ocean, bringing his fish-eaten body back to life and then getting him back in the studio. So cut the man some slack.
You people need to get. over. it. I’m going to do what I’m going to do and if you can’t accept that (or buy the new single, called “Bad Decision,” available now for $3.99, in case I didn’t say that, on iTunes), then you just need to mind your own business and do whatever boring stuff it is you do, accounting or not having sex or whatever.
To my fans, all those cool kids out there on Twitter and in college getting high and cutting class while your parents pay your tuition, you get us. We wouldn’t talk to you in real life, but we appreciate you being on our side and will gladly take your money. Buy our song once for yourself, once for Osama and me and once for the haters who need to get a life. By doing so, you are as cool as Dead Osama and me. And please, keep us trending on Twitter: #TEAMZULKAMA4LIFE.