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This internet exploded last week when it became potentially possible that Jesus was not the saint you might think, as a scrap of paper revealed he had potentially been married.

"As a culture, we’re impatient with bothersome facts that impede our path to immediate gratification," said Robyn Okrant at The Paper Machete. "Not even the wise old owl could wait to find out the exact amount of licks it takes to get the center of a Tootsie Pop. Numbers bog us down. They cramp our style." Most specifically, numbers like those that McDonald's is being required to post, explaining the calorie counts of their food. 

"We are just making healthy choices easier," said New York City Health Commissioner Thomas Farley Wednesday on the city's new ban on large soft drinks. But does New York really need to be babied this way?

Described as a "Grammy-winner, girlfriend beater and real-life trainwreck" by The Paper Machete producer Kim Bellware, Chris Brown made headlines last week by debuting a new tattoo that some said looked like the face of his ex-girlfriend Rihanna after she had been abused by him. Though Brown denied it, explaining that the tattoo was actually inspired by a Mexican Day of the Dead sugar skull, the world was left wondering about the how and why in choice in body art.

Most little girls look up to women who are widely lauded for what they have accomplished. But Comedian Andel Sudik says that though most of these women are impressive, the princesses little girls also model themselves after are less so. Furthermore, there's one type of woman they're totally missing out on: The drug lord(ess).

Last week, Gawker drew our attention to one of the worst proposals of all time; a man chose to fake his own death before proposing to his girlfriend. Comedian Julia Weiss says that's the problem with proposals: they're all about knowing someone else's business. 

"There cannot be a thing that's a wrong fact," said writer Benno Nelson at The Paper Machete.