WBEZ | family

My 50th anniversary of arriving in the U.S.

Tue, 12 Feb 2013 12:31:00 -0600

Fifty years ago today, my family and I arrived in the U.S.

The night before, we’d gathered just outside of Havana, my parents, my brother and I, joined by 40 other people to board a 28 foot boat to escape from Cuba.

For my parents, it was goodbye forever to the life they'd known. For my brother and me, a transformation of the promise of whatever life we'd had, or could have had, under any circumstances, in Cuba.

For this queer girl (in every sense), that's been a gift.

Over the years, I’ve heard often enough about my parents’ courage in embarking on this journey. Those were and remain a treacherous 90 miles that now, so many years later -- and regardless of whatever politics we espouse -- are a grave of bones, the last refuge of all the people who didn’t make it.

But as an adult, I’ve also heard some less charitable takes on my parents’ decision. They were reckless, I’ve been told, to risk our lives like that.

The truth is that, as a parent myself now, I can’t imagine bundling my son and taking him on such an excursion.

But as a parent now, I’m also much more relieved to be here and not there. Not for the material things but for the less tangible ones: my son is growing up surrounded by a community of diverse backgrounds (Cuban and every kind of Latin American, Eastern European and Vietnamese, Irish and African and African-American, Middle Eastern, Muslim and Buddhist and pagan, Hindu and every imaginable kind of Christian and Jew, and every color under the sun, and with every family structure imaginable), diverse experience (artists and writers and political operatives, teachers and doctors and nurses and computer geeks, bankers and drug counselors and construction workers, teachers and real estate agents and PhDs and high school drop outs, bakers and stay at home moms and dads, mechanics and lawyers and journalists), diverse political affiliations (a Tea Party great-uncle, a communist -- not just a lefty, a communist -- cousin, a slew of Republicans of different stripes, Democrats of all sorts, anarchists on the left and right).

All of these people come and sit at our table, tell their stories, argue their ideas, and talk about their successes and their failures, their happiness and their pain.

It’s not that this couldn’t happen in Cuba. But it would be less likely. There’s simply less diversity by race and class, and while there’s much more racial miscegenation, there’s -- ironically -- much less social mobility. And more importantly, while conversation is certainly smart and provocative, it lacks the kind of difference, and tolerance of difference, that I experience here. And, as trite as it sounds, it lacks the freedom we have here.

I have a dear friend back in Cuba, a brother almost, who’s got a well-earned reputation as a conversationalist and host. He’s not quite part of the nomenclature, but he’s well-protected, comfortable, a man of certain privilege. And I so enjoy his company when I visit. But there comes an inevitable juncture in every visit when the conversation goes astray and he suggests we finish it out on the terrace, where there’s fresh air and the sounds of the city -- wind and noise to cover our voices in case we’re being listened to in his living room.

I used to be amused by this, to joke about it. And now I just find it sad.

My parents would say -- certainly my father would insist -- that this was the whole point of coming here. That the freedom I experience in my home, at my table, is precisely what they were offering to us by coming over, by risking our lives.

But, honestly, sometimes it just sounds so hokey, especially from my parents, who weren’t always so tolerant (and also were sometimes shockingly tolerant).

Then I look at my own son. And when I doubt my own courage, I just say thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to Pepe and Alicia, who came over on that boat and brought me, sparing me the agony of having to make such a decision myself.

Are Mommy and me meant to be...BFF?

Fri, 11 May 2012 13:02:00 -0500

A recent New York magazine article sparked an interesting conversation about the often complicated relationship between mothers and their daughters. The piece, titled, “My Mom Is My BFF,” profiled a mother and daughter so close that mom stays in touch with her daughter’s exes. Their story, experts say, is not unique—but it left many wondering: Should mothers and daughters be best buds?

I consider my mother a dear, albeit deeply disturbed, friend. She didn’t appeal to me—friend wise—until I was through those awkward tween years. But she was very quick—too quick, really—to say, “I’m not your friend, I’m your mother.

Harsh? Sure. Cruel? I’m still working through that. But after reading the New York magazine article, I wondered whether our relationship had become friendlier, me being a grown-a$# woman and all. So I thought I’d begin a dialog with my mother that mirrored one I might have with a friend—inappropriate and via text.

I think we can all agree that this experiment backfired—touché Mommy Dearest, touché.

My mother, after all, is a Baby Boomer. And she was certainly more lenient, warm and friendly than her own mother. Boomers, social psychologist Dr. Susan Newman says, rejected their parents domineering, authoritative style and vowed to give their children space—they weren’t going to be so strict and cold; they were much more permissive.

“After that,” Newman told me, “we got into what I call, ‘everyone wanting to raise star children.”

Meet the Momager. More broadly referred to as helicopter parents—young, new parents who aim to control and design every aspect of their child’s life: She’ll play the violin, and speak Mandarin between tennis matches and pageants and her androgynous name will throw off future employers—and agents of course.

Despite its current popularity in our culture—and on reality television—Newman does think this trend will ebb; and that like most relationships, the mother-daughter connection evolves throughout its lifetime. And that it’s healthy and rewarding for parents to become their child’s friend—once they are independent, mature adults. So perhaps I’ve got some room to grow on that last bit.

But enough about me—what do you think? As we prepare to celebrate mothers this weekend, Afternoon Shift explores our evolving roles and relationships we have with mothers—mother and daughter, mother and son, mother and husband, all of it!

MJ Tam, lead blogger for thechicagomoms.com, and Dr. Newman join Steve Edwards for this conversation—join them! Call 312-923-9239 or find us on Twitter at #AfternoonShift.

Oh, and Mom—pick up some singles at the bank: you can never have too many friends. Happy Mother’s Day to all the cool moms out there!

Parents Circle–Families Forum: Families who suffer loss in Middle East conflict find common ground

Thu, 03 Nov 2011 15:55:00 -0500

On paper, Robi Damelin and Seham Abu-Awwad are women from opposing worlds. Robi, a Jewish Israeli, lost her son to a Palestinian sniper. Seham, a Palestinian, lost a brother when he was killed by an Israeli Defense Forces soldier and has a son who's now in prison. But, despite vast differences in geography, lifestyle and politics, Robi and Seham have come together to work on an end to the bloody conflict between Israel and Palestine.

These women are involved in a grassroots organization called Parents Circle-Families Forum. It brings Israelis and Palestinians together not as individuals in warring factions, but as members of families who've experienced similar losses. The group is based on the idea that there's a common humanity to both the Israeli and Palestinian familes' experience of violence.

In Chicago this week, Robi and Seham are also drawing attention to an exhibit called Cartooning in Conflict: Editorial Cartoonists Explore Palestinian-Israeli Conflict. Bringing together artists who illustrate the absurdities and contradictions of the Israeli-Palestinian standstill, "Cartooning in Conflict" will be up this weekend at Navy Pier as part of OFA Chicago 2011. Robi and Seham will both be at the exhibit from 3:30 to 5:00 pm tomorrow.

To learn more about the work of Parents Circle-Families Forum, watch this video:

Can frequent family dinners help teens resist drugs?

Thu, 22 Sep 2011 12:35:00 -0500

Before you hit the drive-through for dinner with the family in tow, consider what a sit-down meal, well, brings to the table.

Sit-down family meals yield a whole heap of benefits for teenagers, including a disinclination to try drugs and better-quality family relationships, according to a report from the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse. The study surveyed more than 1,000 teens and found that 58 percent eat dinner with their families at least five times per week — a number that's held steady over the years, according to Kathleen Ferrigno, director of marketing at the center.

In the comparison study, teens who ate with their families between 5 and 7 times a week said they were four times less likely to use alcohol, tobacco or marijuana than teens who dined fewer than three times per week with their families.

The report, titled "The Importance of Family Dinners VII," is much like the endless incarnations of the "Halloween" horror movie series: The results remain fairly consistent since the earlier surveys. (Side note: "Halloween" actress Jamie Lee Curtis is a director emeritus for the center.)

"Having a set time for dinner when the kids come home shows teens that they can depend on parents," Ferrigno tells Shots. "It's a direct message telling teens that 'my parents love me and care about me.'"

But it's not a hungry herd's meal alone that helps teens resist the temptations of drugs and alcohol.

"It's all about parental engagement," Ferrigno says. "Conversations can be about what you watched on TV, about your favorite team winning the game or what's going on at school and what their friends are doing. It's an opportunity to listen to kids."

The teens who reported having frequent family dinners were also more likely to say they had excellent relationships with their mother, father and siblings.

This makes sense, since kids look up to their older brothers or sisters on the substance issue. The study found that teens who believed their older siblings had tried an illegal drug were more likely to try it themselves — compared to those teens who didn't believe big sister or brother had tried drugs.

And it's not just teens who may benefit: As Shots has reported, family meals eaten with "culinary mindfulness" can be good for everyone's mental health.

But what if you don't have time for beef bourguignon in the dining room or even pizza after basketball practice? Don't fret. Find another way to hang with your kids.

"Creating opportunities to connect is what's important," Ferrigno says. "If your schedule can't be rearranged to include family dinners, engage in other kinds of activities with your children so that you are a reliable, involved and interested presence in their lives."

A suburban writer chronicles his search for the wild in new memoir

Wed, 15 Jun 2011 14:25:00 -0500

This Sunday is Father’s Day, which brings to mind one of Eight Forty-Eight’s favorite fathers, Tom Montgomery Fate. Fate is a writer and regular contributor to the show. He turns time spent in the woods – and the suburbs – into reflections on life, parenthood, birth and death. Eight Forty-Eight invited Fate in to share his discoveries.

Tom Montgomery Fate's new memoir is Cabin Fever: A Suburban Father’s Search for the Wild. You can catch him at his reading Wednesday, June 15, at the Oak Park Public Library.

Writer Rita Coburn Whack reflects on wisdom of her mother

Fri, 06 May 2011 14:07:00 -0500

Many folks will be celebrating Mother's Day on Sunday. But the mother-child bond can be a complicated relationship, one that waxes and wanes over time. In anticipation of this Mother’s Day, writer Rita Coburn Whack reflected on her mother’s wisdom and the many stages of their relationship.

Rita Coburn Whack is a writer in Chicago.

Adulture's Music Button: Scott K & Cole Medina vs. James Brown, "I'm Satisfied," I'm Satisfied 12" (Phonica Records)

Mayor Monday: Issues facing Chicago's families

Mon, 14 Feb 2011 14:38:00 -0600

Every Monday, Eight Forty-Eight looks at some of the issues facing Chicago’s next mayor. It's just over a week away from the 2011 municipal election, so as people weigh their final choices – on this Mayor Monday, the show decided to go inside one unit of power – the family.

Every candidate running for mayor says we need to look at the city from a neighborhood level. But what if we view things from the perspective of a typical Chicago family? What are the most pressing issues that face families in the city? And what can a new mayor do to solve them?

To find out, Eight Forty-Eight was joined by two people with some thoughts on the topic: Rebecca Sive is a women’s issues strategist and Huffington Post contributor. And John Fountain is a columnist with the Chicago Sun-Times, a journalism professor at Roosevelt University and the author of Dear Dad: Reflections on Fatherhood.

Writer Karen Brenner disconnects to reconnect

Tue, 18 Jan 2011 15:36:00 -0600

There are times when a little bit of disconnect can actually bring you closer to what really matters. With a memory of such a moment, "Eight Forty-Eight" heard from writer Karen Brenner:

On a warm summer afternoon as the Chicago traffic buzzed down Clark Street, we sat under the umbrellas of a sidewalk restaurant watching the world stroll by. Next to our table was a young family, mom and dad and two little boys. While the boys enjoyed their handmade ice cream cones, we couldn’t help but notice that both of their parents were completely immersed in their hand held devices. Both parents were turned away from their children, and turned away from each other, staring fixedly at the small screens in their hands. This moment: the lovely summer sky, the colorful people walking by, the yellow and green umbrellas of the restaurant, the flower boxes in full bloom on the sidewalk railings, the ice cream, and the little boys’ enraptured faces, all lost to the two people staring into their hands.

We live in a marvelous age of great leaps in technology, almost a renaissance period of change and growth. But if we surrender moments of engagement, moments of relationship to this technology, we will begin to lose pieces of our lives. These moments are usually just ordinary things, a family dinner, a run by the lake, a child in our arms. But these are the moments that matter; these are the moments that make up our lives.

When I was a teacher of young children, every September I gave the parents of the children in my class one assignment: spend five minutes each day talking with your child. I told the parents that this conversation needed to take place while they were doing nothing else; they could not be driving, or cooking dinner or working on the computer. I encouraged the parents to look directly into their child’s eyes and to have a real conversation with give and take and real listening. Every year the same thing would happen; parents would nod in agreement, smile at me rather patronizingly for being such a simpleton; of course they talked to their children all the time, why was I making this such a big deal? Inevitably, a few weeks later, parents would begin to stop me and ask me for more details about this assignment. Could I recommend some topics to discuss, did I have some ice breaker questions? I will never forget the panic on one father’s face as he grabbed my arm and told me in hushed tones, “I found out that I don’t know how to talk to my own kid!”

As the year progressed, the parents and the children usually found a way to talk to each other. I encouraged the parents to speak to their children about their own childhood experiences. This type of reminiscence usually opened the door for their children to start to tell them what was really going on in their lives. I was a parent of young children myself in those days, and so I knew how hard it could be to make the time (even five minutes) to just talk to your child one on one and to really, really listen. But those five minutes, those quiet talks, those little moments are how we build and grow relationships, memories, our lives.

So, here is your assignment: Pay attention; look at the faces of the people you love, listen to the music of your life, feel the wind on your face, taste the ice cream. These moments are the jewels of our lives strung on the necklace of time.

Music Button: Four Tet, "Circling", from the CD There Is Love In You, (Domino)

Cook County commissioner wants family hiring ban

Tue, 18 Jan 2011 11:00:00 -0600

Cook County commissioners are expected to debate an ordinance that would ban officials from hiring friends or relatives. The county government has long had a reputation for nepotism. Recently Assessor Joe Berrios hired two relatives soon after he took over the office.

A federal court order bans political or personal matters from factoring into hiring decisions, but there are exceptions to that rule.

Cook County Commissioner Earlean Collins, D-Chicago, said hiring friends and family members is a problem and the practice should be stopped.

"My God, we've got some people got hiring their kids and their grandkids and other folks, too. You know, working their relatives and friends. I mean, that's how it goes. Let's be real about it. Let's cut it out. If you're going to stop it, let's cut it out," Collins said.

Collins has proposed an ordinance adding broad language to the county's ethics code that would ban officials from hiring family members or friends.

The full county board meets Wednesday.

Preckwinkle takes Berrios to task for hiring family members

Thu, 09 Dec 2010 20:07:00 -0600

Cook County Board President Toni Preckwinkle is taking the county's assessor to task for hiring his family members. Newly-sworn in Joe Berrios put his son and sister on the assessor payroll this week. Berrios is also the chairman of the Cook County Democratic Party.

Preckwinkle said the hirings give the appearance of impropriety.

"I think it's critically important that we bring talented, competent people into government," Preckwinkle said. "And I'm not - in the 19 years that I've been alderman, I never hired any family members and I think it's inappropriate."

Preckwinkle says she does not regret supporting Berrios' campaign for assessor. She also announced 22 county employees under former Board President Todd Stroger have been let go.