WBEZ | Ken Barnard http://www.wbez.org/tags/ken-barnard Latest from WBEZ Chicago Public Radio en Top Halloween costumes for 2012: Southwest Airlines flight attendant, sexy Mitt Romney and cat costume for a dog http://www.wbez.org/blogs/onstagebackstage/2012-10/top-halloween-costumes-2012-southwest-airlines-flight-attendant-sexy <p><p><img alt="" class="image-original_image" src="http://www.wbez.org/system/files/styles/original_image/llo/insert-images/8064372566_d435561798_z.jpg" style="float: left; height: 270px; width: 300px; " title="Zombie Mitt Romney. (Flickr/Bob Jagendorf)" />Stuck trying to figure out what to be for Halloween? Don&#39;t <a href="http://thestir.cafemom.com/beauty_style/145296/how_to_make_your_own">want to try being a binder full of women</a>? Reading at&nbsp;<em>The Paper Machete</em>, comedian Ken Barnard has some ideas for you.</p><p>Read an excerpt below or listen to more picks above:</p><p><em>All Hallows Eve is almost upon us, and the only thing more embarrassing than showing up to a Halloween party without a costume is showing up with a costume that someone is already wearing. So I&#39;ve taken all of the guesswork out of Devil&#39;s Night for you guys this year and researched the top costumes of 2012.</em></p><p><strong><em>Top Scary Costumes</em></strong></p><p><em>1) Devil</em></p><p><em>2) Southwest Airlines flight attendant<br />3) Penn State Defensive Coordinator<br />4) Scary Spider-Man<br />5) President-elect Mitt Romney<br /><br /><strong>Top Pet Costumes</strong><br />1) Cat costume (for a dog)<br />2) Dog costume (for a cat)<br />3) Dog costume (for a dog)<br />4) Spider-Man dog<br />5) Dog in a cage on top of a car<br /><br /><strong>Top Plus-size Costumes</strong><br />1) Bulging Hulk<br />2) Fat Ninja<br />3) Overweight Spider-Man<br />4) Diabetic Pirate<br />5) Gluttonous Devil<br /><br /><strong>Top Halloween T-shirts</strong><br />1) This is my costume.<br />2) My other costume is an actual costume.<br />3) This isn&rsquo;t my costume.<br />4) My child is an honor student at Elm Street Elementary. Tonight my child is also a zombie.<br />5) A shirt that says Spider-man on it.<br /><br /><strong>Top costumes for Women</strong><br />1) Cat Woman<br />2) Spider-Man Woman<br />3) Cowgirl<br />4) Witch<br />5) Michele Obama<br /><br /><strong>Top Sexy costumes for Women</strong><br />1) Sexy Pirate<br />2) Sexy Slut<br />2) Slutty slut<br />3) Skanky skank<br />4) Witch<br />5) Slutty Michele Obama<br />6) Michael Jackson<br /><br /><strong>Top Sexy Costumes for Men</strong><br />1.) Sexy Construction Worker<br />2.) Sexy Butcher<br />3.) Sexy Baseball Fan<br />4.) Sexy Pool Boy<br />5.) Sexy Mitt Romney<br /><br /><strong>Top Costumes for Elderly</strong><br />1) Good driver<br />2) Grandma<br />3) Spider Old Man<br />4) Slutty old person<br />5) Hobo &nbsp;<br /><br /><strong>Top Costumes for Kids</strong><br />1) Spoiled brat<br />2) Angry Bird<br />3) Spider-Man<br />4) Orphan<br /><br /><strong>Top Scariest Costumes for Kids</strong><br />1) American child<br />2) Terrorist<br />3) Muslim<br />2) Muslim terrorist<br />3) Spider-Man boy<br /><br /><strong>Top Costumes for Teenagers</strong><br />1) Disinterested young adult<br />2) Spider-Man<br />3) Skateboarding sh*t head<br />4) John Mayer<br />5) Angry bird<br /><br /><strong>Top Costumes for Insecure Teenage Boys</strong><br />1) Football player<br /><br /><strong>Top 10 Costumes for 47-year-old Divorced Men</strong><br />1) Creeper<br />2) P*** hound<br />3) Corvette owner<br />4) Alcoholic<br />5) Depressed Spider-Man<br /><br /><strong>Top Baby Costumes</strong><br />1) Ugly baby<br />2) Anne Geddes model<br />3) Still born baby<br />4) Opposite sex baby<br />5) Orphan (leave baby somewhere)<br />6) $235,000 (cost of a child - not including college.)<br />7) Oprah<br /><br /><strong>Top Michael Costumes</strong><br />1) Michael Myers<br />2) Michael Jackson<br />3) Michael Clarke Duncan<br />4) Zombie Michael Clarke Duncan<br />5) Michael McDonald<br /><br /><strong>Top Racist Costumes</strong><br />1) Black face<br />2) Yellow face<br />3) Zombie face<br />4) Amazing Race<br />5) Cold Case<br />6) Without a Trace<br /><br /><strong>Top Zombie Costumes</strong><br />1) Zombie Bruce Jenner<br />1) Zombie Obama<br />2) Zombie Romney<br />3) Sexy Zombie Romney<br />4) Rob Romney Zombie<br />5) White Zombie Romney<br />6) Romney Zombie Baseball Glove<br />7) Zombie Tagg Romney<br />8) Zombie Ben Romney<br />9) Josh Romney Zombie<br />10) Matt Zombie Romney<br />11) Craig Romeny Zombie<br />13) Breast Cancer Awareness Zombie Romney<br />14) Trigg Zombie<br />15) Zombie Romney Bo Bomney Banana Fanan Rob Zombie Me My Mo Momney Zombie Romney<br /><br /><strong>Top Spider-Man costumes</strong><br />1) Spider-Man<br />2) Sexy Spider-Man<br />3) Transgender Spider-Man<br />4) Zombie Spider-Man<br />5) Zombie Romney Spider-Man</em></p><p><em>So after all of this research, I&rsquo;ve decided to not dress up at all this year. Because I&rsquo;m Mormon.</em></p><p><a href="http://thepapermacheteshow.com/" target="_blank">The Paper Machete</a>&nbsp;<em>is a weekly live magazine at the Horseshoe in North Center. It&#39;s always at 3 p.m., it&#39;s always on Saturday, and it&#39;s always free. Get all your&nbsp;</em>The Paper Machete Radio Magazine&nbsp;<em>needs filled&nbsp;<a href="http://www.wbez.org/tags/paper-machete" target="_blank">here</a>, or download the podcast from iTunes&nbsp;<a href="http://itunes.apple.com/podcast/the-paper-machete-radio-magazine/id450280345" target="_blank">here</a>.</em></p></p> Thu, 25 Oct 2012 05:00:00 -0500 http://www.wbez.org/blogs/onstagebackstage/2012-10/top-halloween-costumes-2012-southwest-airlines-flight-attendant-sexy The Paper Machete: Saying goodbye to Ken Barnard http://www.wbez.org/blog/onstagebackstage/2011-07-15/paper-machete-saying-goodbye-ken-barnard-89210 <img typeof="foaf:Image" src="http://llnw.wbez.org/blog/photo/2011-July/2011-07-15/334_Pool_pic4.jpg" alt="" /><p><p>We caught up with The Paper Machete's latest victim, <a href="http://www.performancecomedy.com/">Ken Barnard</a>. Barnard is a comedian and a Machete veteran, but he's also moving to Los Angeles, so this might be the last time we see him for awhile.</p><div style="text-align: center;"><img alt="" class="caption" src="http://llnw.wbez.org/blog/insert-image/2011-July/2011-07-15/334_Pool_pic4.jpg" title="" width="334" height="501"></div><div>&nbsp;</div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">4:06 PM&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Kate</span>: Hi Ken, are you around?</span></span></div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Ken</span>: i am here!</span></span></div><div>&nbsp;</div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">me</span>: Excellent...no android can keep you down.</span></span></div><div>&nbsp;</div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Ken</span>: i was worried that you'd be trapped on my phone.</span></span></div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">4:07 PM&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span>safely on the desktop, no worries.</span></span></div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">&nbsp;&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span>this is my first gchat interview, so i'll try to keep my use of emoticons to a MAXIMUM!</span></span></div><div>&nbsp;</div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Kate</span>: I see you've run away with caps already though, so we're all good</span></span></div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">4:08 PM&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span>So before we get down to discussing&nbsp;<i>The Paper Machete</i></span></span></div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">&nbsp;&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span>I hear you have some sad sad news for Chicago?</span></span></div><div>&nbsp;</div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Ken</span>: Sad news for Chicago, yes. I am leaving. Good news for other Chicago comics, I am leaving.</span></span></div><div>&nbsp;</div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">4:09 PM&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Kate</span>: Whywhywhywhywhyyy</span></span></div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">&nbsp;&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span>Tell us of your future.</span></span></div><div>&nbsp;</div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">4:10 PM&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Ken</span>: I've been here for 8 years and I'm gonna ditch the day job and try to make a living as a working entertainer.</span></span></div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">&nbsp;&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span>It's cylical for Chicago comedians, really. Evey 3 to 4 years a large swath moves east or west. It's just my time. Circle of life and all that.</span></span></div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">4:11 PM&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span>No concrete plans, exactly, I'm just assuming the talent scouts have been waiting for me.</span></span></div><div>&nbsp;</div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span><b>Kate</b>: That seems like a safe assumption.</span></span></div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">4:12 PM&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span>So for your last ever Paper Machete as an insider, what do you have planned for us?</span></span></div><div>&nbsp;</div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">4:14 PM&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Ken</span>: Well, I'm planning on speaking about the first double-leg transplant operation that was recenty completed in Spain. Although, honestly, I sometimes go down to the wire with my choice. I work as a news analyst, so I'm constantly gathering news and such. that'll probably be the one, though. the doctor is an interesting character.</span></span></div><div>&nbsp;</div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">4:15 PM&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span><b>Kate</b>: How down to the wire do you mean?</span></span></div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">&nbsp;&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span>Like, take a shot before you go on and wing it down to the wire?</span></span></div><div>&nbsp;</div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">4:16 PM&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Ken</span>: well, i always prepare something. I've done the PM probably a half-dozen times and a few I've been a last-minute fill-in.</span></span></div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">4:17 PM&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span>procrastination is my friend. Christopher might not like to hear it, but I often write my piece the morning of. The audience hasn't been able to tell, so far, so I think i'm in the clear.</span></span></div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">&nbsp;&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span>I think that's a side-effect of oversaturation of the news, there's so much funny stuff happening in the world</span></span></div><div>&nbsp;</div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">4:18 PM&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Kate</span>: That you want to decide at the last minute because there's just too much?</span></span></div><div>&nbsp;</div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">4:20 PM&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Ken</span>: Yeah, I usually make my decision on Friday on the story and then think about it for a day or so. By the time I time down to my typewriter to bang it out on Saturday, I've usually got all the bits that I want to include. After that, it's cut and paste time. Which is quite laborious on an Underwood Five.</span></span></div><div>&nbsp;</div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Kate</span>: Yea I'm sorry...typewriter?</span></span></div><div>&nbsp;</div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">4:21 PM&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Ken</span>: Well, it's an electric typewriter. Made by Apple. (I don't think my absurdity is translating here. I use a computer).</span></span></div><div>&nbsp;</div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">4:22 PM&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Kate</span>: No no it is...I'm just super gullible</span></span></div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">&nbsp;&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span>and this IS the internet</span></span></div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">&nbsp;&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span>so we need to be explicit without being explicit, nawhatImean?</span></span></div><div>&nbsp;</div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">4:23 PM&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Ken</span>: Absolutely! However, in all seriousness, I think i've got my writing system down for the PM. It took me a few times to realize that the Machete was podcasted. I was doing very visual bits and characters for a while that would get a good response from the crowd, but would never work with just audio.</span></span></div><div>&nbsp;</div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">4:25 PM&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Kate</span>: I think that's a really good point.</span></span></div><div>&nbsp;</div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Ken</span>: My comedy tends to be very visual, so the show is a good opportunity for me to concentrate on the words.</span></span></div><div>&nbsp;</div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">4:26 PM&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Kate</span>: Definitely.</span></span></div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">&nbsp;</span></div><div>&nbsp;</div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">4:27 PM&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Ken</span>: I always like to mix in a little fiction with the facts. It's technically a "news" show, but I like to put an editorialy spin on it, which often turns absurd.</span></span></div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">&nbsp;&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span>My last piece was about atrocities at a zoo in the Ukraine and ended with a talking giraffe. If i convey the spirit of the story, I feel fine taking liberties with the details.</span></span></div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">&nbsp;&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span>But giraffes CAN talk.</span></span></div><div>&nbsp;</div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">4:29 PM&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Kate</span>: Well..perhaps that's a conversation for another time.</span></span></div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">&nbsp;&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span>So what are you doing this weekend? Packing? Crying your eyes out?</span></span></div><div>&nbsp;</div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">4:31 PM&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Ken</span>: I'm in a constant state of packing, or at least procrastinating when I should be packing. I'm also going to Terra Haute, Indiana this weekend to shoot a short scene for a film.</span></span></div><div>&nbsp;</div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Kate</span>: What kind of film?</span></span></div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">&nbsp;&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span>(SPOILER ALERT)</span></span></div><div>&nbsp;</div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">4:33 PM&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Ken</span>: It's about a campaign to rescind blue laws in Indiana. A comedy, naturally. I just have a small part, but it should be fun. All my lines are improvised, so if it isn't funny, it's all my fault.</span></span></div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">4:34 PM&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span>I'm just happy to be working on a funny project and in such a beautiful location.</span></span></div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">4:35 PM&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span>I'm gonna put the Haute in Terra Haute!</span></span></div><div>&nbsp;</div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Kate</span>: Ooo la la.</span></span></div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">4:36 PM&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span>Well thanks for talking to us, and good luck Saturday. We hope you don't invoke the wrath of Christopher Piatt with your procrastination, which has been seen to be fearsome and fiery.</span></span></div><div>&nbsp;</div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Ken</span>: He's a big kitty cat. Puts on a heck of a show, though.</span></span></div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">&nbsp;&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span>Thanks so much, Kate!</span></span></div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">4:37 PM&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span>It's been a pleasure :^)</span></span></div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">&nbsp;&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span>Only one emoticon!</span></span></div><div>&nbsp;</div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">4:38 PM&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Kate</span>: Thank you for holding back.</span></span></div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">&nbsp;&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span>And thank you!</span></span></div><div>&nbsp;</div><div><span style="display: block; float: left; color: rgb(136, 136, 136);">&nbsp;</span><span style="display: block; padding-left: 6em;"><span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Ken</span>: My pleasure. Cheers.</span></span></div></p> Fri, 15 Jul 2011 12:12:04 -0500 http://www.wbez.org/blog/onstagebackstage/2011-07-15/paper-machete-saying-goodbye-ken-barnard-89210