WBEZ | confession http://www.wbez.org/tags/confession Latest from WBEZ Chicago Public Radio en Oprah! I am ready to confess http://www.wbez.org/blogs/claire-zulkey/2013-01/oprah-i-am-ready-confess-104936 <p><div class="image-insert-image "><img alt="" class="image-original_image" src="http://www.wbez.org/system/files/styles/original_image/llo/insert-images/5685709293_c4187f8846.jpg" style="float: right; height: 400px; width: 300px;" title="Flickr/Loren Javier" /><span id="internal-source-marker_0.3762610085972553">Dear Oprah:</span></div><p>I need some cash. Daycare is expensive as are hospital bills and our dumb dog got hurt and so there are now vet bills and the house isn&rsquo;t getting paid off for about 26 years and I have a Pier One credit card bill (who has a Pier One credit card?! Me.) because Christmas made me insane and I had to go and buy little smelly candles for my friends and did you know they charge extra for gift boxes?<br /><br />I know you&rsquo;re not in the habit of just handing out money these days but I think I know a way we can help each other out. I will come on your show and confess some secrets.<br /><br />Don&rsquo;t tell me that Lance Armstrong came to you to confess that he started doping just because he likes you and wanted to get a few things off his chest. You paid him some big bucks, bucks he&rsquo;s probably going to be hurting for now that people suddenly realize that those yellow bracelets don&rsquo;t really go with their outfits.<br /><br />So, gimme. Give me some money. I will come on your network and admit to all sorts of shameful things that I guarantee will get you some viewers. The price is negotiable but let&rsquo;s start at maybe a million? You know that&rsquo;s nothing to you and is peanuts compared to what you paid Lance.<br /><br />To whet your whistle, here are some things I am ready to confess to:</p><ul style="list-style-type:disc;"><li dir="ltr">Leading an extensive, sophisticated doping ring among the blogosphere. Did the public really believe that my friends and I were able of consistently putting out such thoughtful, engaging content without some chemical assistance? No, we&rsquo;re all &lsquo;roided up. That&rsquo;s why bloggers have such bad acne and tiny testicles.</li><li dir="ltr">That my marriage to my husband is one of convenience, in order to gain acceptance in the public domain. In actuality, all those times I&rsquo;ve said &ldquo;I love cheese so much I could marry it,&rdquo; I was being serious. I am in a common law marriage with a wedge of brie but due to discriminatory marriage laws, I am forced to be married to a human male in order to gain social acceptance. There, are you happy now?</li><li dir="ltr">That I claim to be 5&rsquo;4 but am really 5&rsquo;3 and a half. And also I weigh, as of press time, exactly 26 more pounds in real life than is listed on my driver&rsquo;s license.</li><li dir="ltr">That I kiss the cat on the mouth.</li></ul><p>I also promise to be:</p><ul style="list-style-type:disc;"><li dir="ltr">thoughtful</li><li dir="ltr">forthright (I won&rsquo;t avoid any questions unless you want to agree ahead of time that I will put forth the impression of avoiding one to two questions that we will agree upon ahead of time).</li><li dir="ltr">serious</li><li dir="ltr">contrite as hell</li></ul><p>I will be so contrite! I will cry and grimace and even get down on my knees. But this will of course cost extra. All this honesty and desire for forgiveness ain&rsquo;t free. What do you think this is, church? Confessing gratis is only for suckers or for people who don&rsquo;t need cash.</p></p> Wed, 16 Jan 2013 08:34:00 -0600 http://www.wbez.org/blogs/claire-zulkey/2013-01/oprah-i-am-ready-confess-104936