Mark Kirk Inspires Writer Dennis O'Toole to Confess
In light of the recent events in the Illinois Senate races, there are a few things I'd like to get off my chest.
I misspoke about my service in Viet Nam. I did not, in fact, win two Congressional Medals of Honor, three Bronze Stars, and a Victoria Cross. I was only 6 months old when Saigon fell, so when I said that I was "America's greatest hero in Indochina," I meant that metaphorically. I offer my sincerest apologies to anyone who misunderstood me.
My recent claim that I won the Pulitzer Prize for investigative reporting was intended to be ironic. I have notâ€”yetâ€”won any award in any field. I have also been informed that there is no Nobel Prize for journalism, so I totally misspoke when I said that I had four.
I am not a member of the Windy City Rollers, nor am I a member of any competitive women's roller derby organization. Please consider my previous statement on the matter a sort of palindrome gone awry. I am, in fact, a man, despite incessant claims to the contrary. Physical violence frightens meâ€”especially on wheeled shoes.
Although I am an excellent cook and an able baker, I have not won a James A. Beard award. Long John Silvers was not “my idea.” I have never been Oprah's personal chef, and I was at no point in my life engaged to Rachel Ray, Paula Dean, or the guy from “Barbecue University.”
I am not black. I will stop implying it in conversation.
I am not a doctor, lawyer, engineer, economist, waste management specialist, educator, professional athlete, military historian, or a climatologist. Though my lack of expertise in anything will not stop me from offering trite opinions on complex issues, I will stop telling women I am these things just to get their phone numbers.
I did cause the housing bubble. So, um, my bad on that one.
Dennis O'Toole is a writer and improv performer who lives in Chicago...so he says.