Father’s Day Gift

Since Father’s Day is approaching I wanted to get the word out to my family that this year I have a preference for a gift. The idea comes from a vision of a shimmering vacation paradise I saw advertised on the back of a CTA bus. It was so inspiring I almost crashed my car right into it.

Not an azure water park in Wisconsin or a windswept sand dune in Indiana or a lush apple grove in Michigan. I picture an Eden of hedonism that could lift me away from these trembling times and into an experience I know will change my life forever.

(Mike Ditka): “We got it all. Ya want a nice place to stay…we don’t cut any corners. It’s pretty nice. And I like, again, it’s for the whole family… I mean, you got things for the kids, you got things for everybody.”

Mike Ditka Resorts. Brilliant. Who from Chicago wouldn’t want to go to a resort that is developed in every detail with the singular Grabowski aesthetic? Architecture inspired by landmark gridiron stadiums, with interiors that look like the ESPN studios. Better still, the two resorts are located in kiss my ass – I mean Kissimmee – Florida.

You can respect the Ditka brand. I wanna be like Mike. I’ve checked into the activities and they’re uniquely spectacular. You start off your day with an anger management huddle and then a dharma talk from Da Coach:

“You think it. ‘Cause your thoughts become your words. Then you say it. And your words become your actions. And your actions become your habits. Your habits become your character. And your character defines your destiny. And if it’s good habits you’re okay. If it’s bad habits ya got a lotta problems. I’m not givin’ ya morals I’m just talkin’ facts of life.”

Talk about going long. If that isn’t worth the price of admission, Da Coach then combines a raw meat lunch with real estate investment strategies based on buying one of his resort condos:

“This is a good way to make money without taking a lot of risk. You’re getting an opportunity to invest in a real estate hotel condo property – which you own. Listen, you own it…It’s the best thing in the world! You own it. You wanna go there, stay for three months, it’s yours! When you’re not there, though, you’re makin’ money off of it. They’re managing it for you they’re taking care of it they’re maintaining it and you’re getting money.”

Touchdown! Where do I sign? Isn’t Florida the worst real estate market on earth? Time out. You need to calm down. Don’t worry. Da Coach then hosts a special wine tasting. He has, no kidding, his own brand of Merlot and Chardonnay — but he is especially proud of his Cabernet:

“It’s gotta be pleasing to the palate, it’s gotta finish… it’s gotta have a good finish to it. And I think these wines do.”

Now you’re feeling as though you’ve been tackled. Get back in the game and out on the roads with Da Coach; he’ll show you how to drive while intoxicated and why you shouldn’t take a breathalyzer test when you get stopped by the police. Builds your legend.

Ditka is a legend; he’s in the football Hall of Fame. He didn’t need steroids. Amazingly, he has parlayed one good season and the temper of, well, a bear, into a unique version of Americana, as he chronicles in a book he sort of wrote: In Life, First You Kick Ass.

Isn’t that enough to give your father the gift of the Ditka resort experience this year? Makes me want to sing: