Hey, I think The View is a rerun this morning, so if you’re looking for something to watch, Rahm is presiding over his first City Council meeting. Hopefully, Joy Behar will co-host.

Top story: The Catholic Church just put out a huge 5-year study on sexual abuse. They spent $1.8 million on it. Are you ready to read why priests molest kids? The ’60s. That’s right, the study contends that priests were confused and stressed by the sexual revolution and that is what caused sexual abuse. Social problems from 30 years ago caused (continues to cause) abuse.

Right. Because tens of millions of people lived through that revolution and never touched a kid. So how do you explain that, church? Give me a break. Are they going to put Gracie Slick behind bars? I’m offended on behalf of all the long hairs out there. If this stands, then who knows what else you will be blamed for. Why not peg the economic collapse in 2008 on them? Al-Qaeda seems to lay around and smoke hookahs all day. Very suspect. And was Bartman a hippie? Someone please give me an argument that makes sense for this study. I just don’t see it. Shame on The New York Times for even reporting on this without a counter argument. I just want a pundit to say “Are you f***in’ kidding me?” in The New York Times.  

B story: Sneed should be having a field day today. All these celebrities, all these dinner reservations! All these famous out-of-towners soaking up our nightlife after the Oprah show! And not to mention the Bulls/Heat celebs running around town. So what does she have? Tom Hanks had his reservation canceled at RL before the big show because Oprah wanted Hanks to be a surprise guest. And that was it. The rest was inauguration hangover bulljunk and some bit about Fergie. COME ON, Sneed. This was your opportunity to shine, newspaper column style. A colleague made the argument that maybe it was too late, due to the Oprah show going to 11 p.m. Sorry, but that’s when gossip happens. Bands, actors and athletes are here to perform. They only do fun stuff after they perform. That’s the reason for the gossip columnist. Forget it, I’ll find it out online.

C story: Yesterday, I witnessed West Loop gridlock before the big Oprah show at the United Center. I live over there, so I see all the traffic from Bulls and Blackhawk games and I will say that the traffic and crowds heading to the UC last night were way more intense. But instead of packs of dudes wearing Blackhawks jerseys walking west, it was packs of middle aged women in black leather coats criss-crossing traffic. Best part? After the show, all the West Loop bars were empty. No post-game for Oprah. It was…refreshing.

Weather: It might be time to adjust the classic ‘April showers bring May flowers.’ Sucky, sucky, sucky weather.

Sports: I guess MJ wowed the crowd at Oprah last night. But I think most Chicagoans were excited to hear that MJ was indeed in town. That means we might see our superstar in attendance tonight for Game 2 at the United Center. How great would it be to have MJ and Scottie sitting next to each other court side. And then throw in Beyonce, Tom Cruise, Vince Vaughn and Ronnie Woo-Woo? Who needs Com Ed when you have this much star power.

The Taj Gibson dunk has been posterized. And better yet, the monster jam over Dwayne Wade has gone viral. Millions of basketball fans have shared the You Tube link and now artist Ryan Hurst made this poster, which is being sold for bedrooms across America:

Is it possible for this dunk to get representation in Hollywood? Perhaps Ari Emanuel could scoop up the dunk and get it a reality TV show.

Kicker: My buddy snapped this photo last week. Playing to two crowds: People who hate terrorists and love Hawk Harrelson. I wonder if this novelty t-shirt is 50 percent off yet.