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How not to let your affair ruin your life

Gen. David Petraeus, in happier times. (Flickr/DVIDSHUB)

Ruinous affairs! Everyone’s having them. Here are some tips on how to have an affair and not have it ruin your life:

Don’t be famous or be involved with a famous person. If you need to have an affair for whatever reason, either de-famous yourself or find a “regular” person to have an affair with. This way, if when you get caught, far fewer people will know about it and the likelihood of your name trending on Twitter will be much lower. Also, don’t go on The Daily Show to talk about the book you wrote about the person with whom you are having an affair.

On that note, don’t ever take a picture of your genitals or anything that resembles genitals or even a guy named Richard.

Don’t send any emails to your mistress/mister. They will be found. And if they are found and you didn’t obey Point 1, they will be published on Gawker. If you must tell your fellow affairee that you have the hots for him/her, the only safe way to convey this information is to dig a hole in the ground, whisper it in there and then close the hole back up.

Don’t go out of doors unless you are more than 500 miles away from the person with whom you are having an affair, lest you two be photographed together, even by satellite.

Make sure the person you want to have sex with definitely wants to have sex with you. Get it in writing. Each time.

Don’t have sex with the person you are having an affair with. That way, nobody will get pregnant. Even if you are of the same gender, better to be safe than sorry.

Don’t try to keep your affair a secret from anyone. Tell your spouse, your children, your accountant and your boss. That way, if someone says,“Say, I heard you were getting a little on the side,” you can act like the person is a jerk for being the last one to know.

Also, don’t have any secrets whatsoever, because somehow, if you have an affair, they will all come out. Perhaps invest in a portable scrolling electronic billboard so that all your secrets can be announced to everyone at all times of day.

Make sure the person you are having an affair with is comfortably out of range of the oldest age of legal consent in any of the 50 states. It’s best not to have an affair with anyone under the age of 40, actually.

You could be old school and not have an affair, but that may be unrealistic.

On second thought, just move to Europe. They love that stuff.

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