Google “mommy wars” and you’ll get about 18.5 million results. Google “mommy wars playground” and you’ll get about 1.9 million — significantly less to fuss about, but still plenty of topics to fuel the fire of a long hot summer surrounded by other parents and their progeny.

So Neo-Futurist and mom Noelle Krimm brings some advice to parents who aren’t quite sure where they fit in amongst other parents. Mainly, for Krimm, “In what world is a wet, muddy or cold child a particularly terrible thing? Evanston.”Read an excerpt below or listen above.

In a couple weeks I’ll be launching my new blog on ChicagoNow, because every suburban mom has to have a blog; it’s requisite. It’s entitled “The Amazing Affordable Adventures of Mama, Bunny and Pip.” It’s a local adventure blog; it’s the tale of our adventures, me and my daughter Bunny — not her real name — and my son Pip — really not his real name — and the affordable fun we find together now that it’s just the three of us.

So I’m here to report to you about what to do with your kids — or someone else’s kids, any kids, get permission first — during the upcoming, dreaded, interminable months of summer. Because I’m an expert.

Except I’m really not.

I was raised in a medium-sized town in Florida in the 1970s. This makes me decidedly ill-equipped to raise children in suburban Chicago-land in 2012. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand the other parents. I don’t understand their customs and their funny way of talking. I’m a stranger in a strange land.

I think this is partially due to the fact that this is the feeling of parenthood in general, for me. There is some common misconception that when you issue forth a pink, squalling human from your nether regions, you somehow know what the hell to do with it in the moments and years and decades to follow.

You don’t. Not at all.

The Paper Machete is a weekly live magazine at the Horseshoe in North Center. It’s always at 3 p.m., it’s always on Saturday, and it’s always free. Get all your The Paper Machete Radio Magazine needs filled here, or download the podcast from iTunes here.