Most Terrifying Teen Trends
By Claire ZulkeyMost Terrifying Teen Trends
By Claire Zulkey
Vodka facials:
Teens pour a shot of vodka on their face and wait patiently for their pores to absorb the alcohol.
Danger: Missing out on the homework they could be doing while they wait for the liquor to absorb.
Butt Smoking:
Teens purchase cigarettes and in order to escape detection from authority figures, use their rectums to inhale and exhale smoke.
Danger: Cigarettes are expensive and will do damage to teen bank accounts, plus there is a risk of cigarette burns to otherwise pristine teenage tushies.
Somersaults:
The new planking. Instead of walking, driving, skateboarding or rollerblading, teens travel by performing continuous 360° flips down the street.
Danger: High risk of dirtiness, neck injury and silliness.
Teabagging:
This is not what it sounds like—teens have a habit of giving activities vulgar nicknames. Teens suck on teabags in order to enjoy an extreme herbal, sometimes caffeinated “rush” when hot water is not available.
Danger: Choking hazard.
Belts:
Teen girls like to “belt” their baggy tops, but what is to prevent them from doing it too tightly?
Danger: Broken ribs, organ failure.
Souping:
Teens don’t believe in a middle ground, hence they’ve taken the good feeling most normal people get from a good bowl of Campbell’s Chunky Soup and ingest it in extreme doses, which fills them up wrong.
Danger: Sodium overdose; urge to play football, which is also dangerous.
Fires:
Teens gather twigs from the forest, assemble them in either a “teepee” or “house” form, stuff them with newspaper, apply a match and a bit of oxygen and then, as simple as that, they’ve got a fire.
Danger: There is no way of knowing whether the marshmallows they roast over the fire are gluten-free.
Exercise:
The hot new trend these days are endorphins. Teens exercise until they develop a “natural high,” known by its street name “second wind.”
Danger: Unacceptably high self esteem, shin splints.