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New study reveals nothing

A recent medical study released by a prominent scientific journal and sponsored by a major commercial interest reveals that everything you’ve been doing is the right thing to do. Unless it’s the opposite, in which case you should change everything you’re doing. (Other studies have shown that up to 55 percent of these studies may be completely accurate, with 20 percent room for error.) 

(Flickr/Army Medicine)
The study, which canvassed a wide swath of orange juice drinkers/white women ages 20-21/Volkswagen drivers/bored Facebook users, will bring satisfaction to a wide number of people who have long held the belief that doing things the way they like doing them is the proper way to proceed in life. A large portion of other people will be disappointed, however, to learn that their system is incorrect; but a conveniently small sample size and references to conflicting studies will provide enough doubt that it’s possible that they can continue drinking coffee/drinking wine/exercising/not exercising/spanking their children/worshipping their children as deities/eating all gluten and things will be all right.

In the meantime, the study will temporarily allow those who have always been insufferably smug about their choices to be even more so, and inspire the wishy-washy to dump their previous supplements/exercise regime/wine and start anew, only to be relieved when another conflicting study is released shortly thereafter that announces a whole new excuse to go to Costco.

Conspiracy theorists will rejoice, meanwhile, as the study will confirm their suspicions that Big Pharma/Big Agriculture/The Government/The Aliens have gotten their hands — once again! — on the medical establishment, which thus proves that the medical establishment knows nothing. All the while, the medical establishment will continue to roll its eyes and collect free pens from drug reps.

In the meantime, the public is probably safe to do everything in moderation, until the anti-moderation study comes out.

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