This and this. Why do muppets have to be so sad lately? 

2. If you could do anything else on this Saturday afternoon besides perform against your will in The Paper Machete, it would be…

Eat strawberry frosted pop tarts and watch Breaking Bad.  I am obsessed with both of these things right now.

3. In your entire schooling, what was the subject you in which you performed most poorly? Have you been required to demonstrate knowledge of that subject since?

Math. Occasionally I still volunteer to figure out the bar tab or dinner bill, but usually it doesn’t go well. Most of the time, I have to call in reinforcements - other friends or a calculator.  

4. a) Name your favorite Kardashian or Haagen Dasz flavor, and give at least one sentence of explanation. b) Name your least favorite Kardashian or Haagen Dasz flavor, and give at least one sentence of explanation.

a.) My personal favorite Kardashian is the one that looks like a drag queen, Kloe. She seems to be smarter and funnier than the others, probably because she got picked on in her awkward years.

b.) Least favorite Kardashian, by proxy, is Courtney’s boyfriend Scott. He’s a huge douche bag! I saw a clip of him shoving money in the MOUTH of a restaurant host.  I just can’t forgive that behavior.

5. As a member of the Chicago performance-art community, what lucrative career do you now wish you’d chosen to pursue instead?

I just googled “most lucrative jobs” and every single job except one was some kind of doctor. I pass out when I see blood so that doesn’t seem viable. The other job was CEO and I’m sure there would be a math requirement, so, a teacher.

The Paper Machete is a weekly live magazine at the Horseshoe in North Center. It’s always at 3 pm, it’s always on Saturday, and it’s always free. Listen to the most recent The Paper Machete Radio Magazine here, or download it from iTunes here.