An Outrage! Chicago Ranked 11th Angriest City

An Outrage! Chicago Ranked 11th Angriest City

When comedian and writer Dennis O’Toole heard that Men’s Health Magazine had recently listed Chicago as the 11th angriest city in the United States, he got mad. He shares his reaction with us.

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DENNIS: So, we came in eleventh. Isnt that just [bleep] great! Even in some dumb [bleep] Mens Health poll, we get our asses kicked by ten other cities. Now I know how the Cubs feel.

The magazine normally known for telling middle-aged men how to get washboard abs used a number of criteria to rank the angriest. First they went to the Center for Disease Control, some big shot medical organization full of a bunch of over-rated jerks, and looked up the percentage of men with high blood pressure. As if that means anything.

Next, they checked out FBI Crime statistics to determine—
[Door SFX. WBEZ Person in a kind, sweet voice] Pardon me, is someone using this room?
DENNIS: Hey Einstein, does it look like it? I am. Dennis [Bleep] OToole. I think youve heard of me. Now get the [bleep] out of here before I [extended bleep] pledge-drive totebag. What was I saying? Oh, that we got our asses handed to us by St. Louis, Jacksonville Memphis, Miami, Wilmington, Nashville, Baltimore, Detroit, St. [bleep] Petersburg, and Orlando. Thats right, Orlando, Florida home of the Magic [bleep] Kingdom is the angriest place in America.

And it sounds like LeBron isnt making Miami any happier. Four of the top ten are in Florida. I guess all that sun is offset by all those old people, all those hurricanes, and all that oil on the beach. Good luck, Florida, Sounds like you need it. How Wilmington, Delaware beat Chicago is beyond me. They must be all pissed off that no ones using credit cards any more, and that businesses are moving to Dubai for better tax breaks. Wah wah wah.

The first state’s first city is in a weal weal bad mood. I give a [bleep]. Detroit has every right to be mad. The Lions havent—

WBEZ PRODUCER: Excuse me, Mr. OToole— one second. It sounds boffo, just boffo. But lets go back to the top and try it again, only slower this time.

DENNIS: Hey Jason, knock knock.
WBEZ PRODUCER: Um, OK. Whos there.
DENNIS: Youre fired.
WBEZ PRODUCER: You cant fire me. I’ve got kids to feed. Not mine, but even still…
DENNIS: Yes I can. Im Dennis O [bleep] Toole. Your worst nightmare. Hey, heres a dollar. Use it for a bus ticket to 50th-ranked Ft. [bleep] Wayne, Indiana. I hear people are real nice there. Now get the hell out of here before I introduce your butt to a size 8 New Balance. Anyway, as I was saying. I’m real, real disappointed in everyone in my listening area, and you personally. Eleventh place is simply not acceptable. We must do a much, much worse job at making unreasonable reactions to everyday nuisances. Lets start here: complain to WBEZ about this essay. Theres just no place in Public Radio for this kind of [bleep].

Music Button: Louis Prima performing the song “When You’re Smiling” from the release Capitol Collectors Series: Louis Prima (EMD International)