Stuck trying to figure out what to be for Halloween? Don’t want to try being a binder full of women? Reading at The Paper Machete, comedian Ken Barnard has some ideas for you.

Read an excerpt below or listen to more picks above:

All Hallows Eve is almost upon us, and the only thing more embarrassing than showing up to a Halloween party without a costume is showing up with a costume that someone is already wearing. So I’ve taken all of the guesswork out of Devil’s Night for you guys this year and researched the top costumes of 2012.

Top Scary Costumes

1) Devil

2) Southwest Airlines flight attendant
3) Penn State Defensive Coordinator
4) Scary Spider-Man
5) President-elect Mitt Romney

Top Pet Costumes
1) Cat costume (for a dog)
2) Dog costume (for a cat)
3) Dog costume (for a dog)
4) Spider-Man dog
5) Dog in a cage on top of a car

Top Plus-size Costumes
1) Bulging Hulk
2) Fat Ninja
3) Overweight Spider-Man
4) Diabetic Pirate
5) Gluttonous Devil

Top Halloween T-shirts
1) This is my costume.
2) My other costume is an actual costume.
3) This isn’t my costume.
4) My child is an honor student at Elm Street Elementary. Tonight my child is also a zombie.
5) A shirt that says Spider-man on it.

Top costumes for Women
1) Cat Woman
2) Spider-Man Woman
3) Cowgirl
4) Witch
5) Michele Obama

Top Sexy costumes for Women
1) Sexy Pirate
2) Sexy Slut
2) Slutty slut
3) Skanky skank
4) Witch
5) Slutty Michele Obama
6) Michael Jackson

Top Sexy Costumes for Men
1.) Sexy Construction Worker
2.) Sexy Butcher
3.) Sexy Baseball Fan
4.) Sexy Pool Boy
5.) Sexy Mitt Romney

Top Costumes for Elderly
1) Good driver
2) Grandma
3) Spider Old Man
4) Slutty old person
5) Hobo  

Top Costumes for Kids
1) Spoiled brat
2) Angry Bird
3) Spider-Man
4) Orphan

Top Scariest Costumes for Kids
1) American child
2) Terrorist
3) Muslim
2) Muslim terrorist
3) Spider-Man boy

Top Costumes for Teenagers
1) Disinterested young adult
2) Spider-Man
3) Skateboarding sh*t head
4) John Mayer
5) Angry bird

Top Costumes for Insecure Teenage Boys
1) Football player

Top 10 Costumes for 47-year-old Divorced Men
1) Creeper
2) P*** hound
3) Corvette owner
4) Alcoholic
5) Depressed Spider-Man

Top Baby Costumes
1) Ugly baby
2) Anne Geddes model
3) Still born baby
4) Opposite sex baby
5) Orphan (leave baby somewhere)
6) $235,000 (cost of a child - not including college.)
7) Oprah

Top Michael Costumes
1) Michael Myers
2) Michael Jackson
3) Michael Clarke Duncan
4) Zombie Michael Clarke Duncan
5) Michael McDonald

Top Racist Costumes
1) Black face
2) Yellow face
3) Zombie face
4) Amazing Race
5) Cold Case
6) Without a Trace

Top Zombie Costumes
1) Zombie Bruce Jenner
1) Zombie Obama
2) Zombie Romney
3) Sexy Zombie Romney
4) Rob Romney Zombie
5) White Zombie Romney
6) Romney Zombie Baseball Glove
7) Zombie Tagg Romney
8) Zombie Ben Romney
9) Josh Romney Zombie
10) Matt Zombie Romney
11) Craig Romeny Zombie
13) Breast Cancer Awareness Zombie Romney
14) Trigg Zombie
15) Zombie Romney Bo Bomney Banana Fanan Rob Zombie Me My Mo Momney Zombie Romney

Top Spider-Man costumes
1) Spider-Man
2) Sexy Spider-Man
3) Transgender Spider-Man
4) Zombie Spider-Man
5) Zombie Romney Spider-Man

So after all of this research, I’ve decided to not dress up at all this year. Because I’m Mormon.

The Paper Machete is a weekly live magazine at the Horseshoe in North Center. It’s always at 3 p.m., it’s always on Saturday, and it’s always free. Get all your The Paper Machete Radio Magazine needs filled here, or download the podcast from iTunes here.