Ever since my Studio 312 Comedy Special aired on Memorial Day, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about things. I think I’ve been settling for second best for far too long. Just look my producer, Dave. He’s been serving me dirty water and passing it off as coffee for the past 20 years and I’ve always made up excuses for him: “Oh maybe this is what a ‘latte’ is” I’d say. Or on the occassion that it resembled motor oil and I said, “Maybe this is Coke Blak.” And those shows when I fell asleep on-air- once I woke up I’d say, “I guess he accidentally gave me decaf.” Well, I’m not making excuses for him anymore. It’s time he shape up and get me some Intelligentsia! But you know, speaking of Dave, he’s really taken my new standards well. Like when I demanded that he get me the same kind of stapler as Ira Glass- he went and got me Ira’s actual stapler! What a great guy! Hope Ira doesn’t need to bind any papers together!

Getting back to my realizations- I don’t think the management at the station respects me. At Tuesday’s staff meeting they had regular lemon poppy seed muffins! Everyone knows I’m on a diet and only eat fat free muffins! The only explanation for this sleight is maybe they were out of town on Memorial Day and didn’t hear the Studio 312 Special. Hmm, maybe I can sneak it back on the air. Maybe I can slip it into the schedule on Sunday at 9pm… Once they hear it they won’t mind that I tricked the engineers. OK, if anyone asks, I didn’t tell you this…