Bilal Dardai has been with the Neo-Futurists since 2004, has performed in the Machete multiple times, and still has a LiveJournal. We’ve asked him to play 5 Machete questions before his performance at the Horseshoe this Saturday. 

1. What’s stuck in your craw this week, and how will you be approaching it in the Machete?

I’ve been given an assignment this week, which is essentially Chris Piatt executing a two-handed dunk into my craw. I was asked to respond to the tenth anniversary of the war in Afghanistan. I prefer to approach topics of such magnitude as if we were both walking backwards in a forest. We won’t see each other until it’s too late and then we’ll have no choice but to deal with each other.

2. If you could do anything else on this Saturday afternoon besides perform against your will in the Paper Machete, it would be…

Trying in vain to convince myself to do something more productive than power-viewing entire seasons of shows I missed when they ran on cable.

3. In your entire schooling, what was the subject you in which you performed most poorly? Have you been required to demonstrate knowledge of that subject since?

To date the only subject I failed was senior-year physics, which in hindsight was simply a matter of boredom and burnout…I’m actually a huge fan of physics today. Although really, I suppose anybody who’s spent a few hours playing Angry Birds could be expected to say the same thing. I’m not required to display knowledge of physics in my daily life beyond the basic understanding of how not to die in car wrecks…but I find that I’m often trying to demonstrate its basic principles in work I create.

4. a) Name your favorite Palin or Smurf, and give at least one sentence of explanation. b) Name your least favorite Palin or Smurf, and give at least one sentence of explanation.

(a) Michael Palin remains the only Palin worthy of your attention.

(b) Brainy Smurf. I used to not like Brainy because I was worried that he represented the worst case scenario of me; now I don’t like him because he looks just like that lizard-lipped sociopath Eric Cantor.

5. As a member of the Chicago performance-art community, what lucrative career do you now wish you’d chosen to pursue instead?

Special assistant to the Deputy Mayor. I’m not sure such a position exists, but it sounds just obscure enough to be a perfectly well-paid government hidey-hole. Probably in a smaller city than Chicago. Special assistant to the Deputy Mayor of St. Paul, Minnesota. Let’s say that. That or Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Or Joseph Gordon-Levitt as the special assistant to the Deputy Mayor of St. Paul, Minnesota.

The Paper Machete is a weekly live magazine at the Horseshoe in North Center. It’s always at 3 pm, it’s always on Saturday, and it’s always free. Listen to the most recent The Paper Machete Radio Magazine here, or download it from iTunes here.