Hello, my name is Alderman Ed Bus. I’m the alderman, committeemen and field house supervisor for the 53rd ward, a post in which I’ve served for 40-45 years. This week, it has come to my attention that a certain inspector general (who shall remain nameless) put forth a report suggesting revenue and tax opportunities for the city of Chicago.
First off, that’s our job. Secondly, I thought Daley got rid of this guy? Daley never liked the IG, so neither do I.
Anyway, let me address this malarkey. We don’t need no outsider tellin’ the council anything. If you want to raise taxes, keep it to yourself. We’ll raise taxes if we want to. That’s why we work 20 hours a week and get paid $100k.
I looked at this report while on the throne. Here’s some highlights:
A toll for Lake Shore Drive. Wait, you want me to put a toll on Lake Shore Drive? I’m laughin’ right now. What are we gonna do, turn our great thoroughfare into some suburban highway named after a lady? Not on my watch. We already spilled blood in the council just agreeing that we shouldn’t have trucks on that road, so I ain’t goin’ near any talk about tolls. Besides, what’s if there is a blizzard and the emergency vehicles don’t have change?
A tax for suburbanites who work in the city: First off, I’m offended because half the 53rd ward is in the suburbs. I own half of Oak Lawn. And if we taxed suburbanites, all those businesses that employ suburbanites would just move to Gurnee. And all we’d be left with would be waste management and the Billy Goat. And not to mention the effect a suburban tax would have on Garrett’s Popcorn. That would be disastrous.
Raise the income tax: I don’t know Rahm. Daley would never do that.
You know what, the rest is mumbo jumbo that means mostly nothing to me, so I want to take the rest of my time to rattle off some of my ideas for Chicago gettin’ rich again. I was going to save these ideas for re-election, but seriously, I never lose.
So here goes:
- A annual license for “dibs.” Everyone knows that it snows and you gotta shovel out your parking spot. Then you go and get a chair or a couple of 2x4s and paint cans to hold your parking spot. Let’s do it how we do it in the 53rd. Instead of handing out Christmas tree bags or hams for the poor, I hand out old office chairs to put in shoveled spaces. It’s part of my charity drive every December. So instead of me giving those to you out of the goodness of my heart, now they cost $300 a year. You get a UPC sticker on that chair and if you don’t have one, boom - $200 fine.
- A $1500 fine for any authentic Irish bar established after 2010. Stop.
- Hey, I’m not just about fining people. How ‘bout aldermen, too? You get an automatic deduction from your paycheck if you talk too long on the floor. Or fall asleep. Or drool. I’m not naming names, but Ald. Burke talks too much.
- Restaurants that serve small plates must pay extra taxes. And you get docked extra if your server says to me, “Have you ever done small plates? Let me tell you how the menu works…”
- Mustaches. You want to grow one? You have to pay for it. And if it is a hippie mustache? Double fine. No, triple. And if I smell patchouli? Oh man, you better have your checkbook.
- No ironic t-shirts. If your shirt says you work for Wells Automotive, you best work for Wells Automotive! Not only will this offense carry a fine, but it could get you banned for life.
- And lastly, potholes. If you willingly drive past a pothole on the way to work and don’t make an effort to fill it, you could be fined. And don’t just stop and throw a random shoe in there. You have to do better than that. If you are caught blowing off a pothole, you will not only be ticketed, You may serve jail time. Which means you would have to choose a gang to be affiliated with. And then you’ll have bigger problems than a pothole.
So there ya have it. I should have been mayor. This town would be in the black and we would have beaten the Packers. I’m going to be on a local talk show today discussing my plan. I think it’s called 840. Oooh, new idea. Tax the talk shows. Write that down for me so I don’t forget.