The other day my boyfriend came home from work and started to ask how my day was and I just screamed, “Katherine Jackson is missing!”
And he asked me, “Is that a relative or good friend of yours?” and I replied, disgusted, “No you f***ing idiot; it’s the matriarch of the Jackson clan.” Like he had just asked me if I’d hadn’t seen Can’t Hardly Wait more than 11 times.
Then I went on to explain that she had been missing for 10 days and her grandchildren, Prince, Paris and Blanket of whom she has sole custody of were desperately trying to reach her and I wondered if maybe the father, Joe Jackson had killed her or if Conrad Murray was involved and what would LaToya think and where’s Tito and here’s the thing: she is in poor health and has very weak kidneys so this could be like the old Osama bin Laden theory maybe she’s already dead and her kids have just been releasing old pictures and videos of her this whole time and he just stopped me and goes, “Why do you know all this?”
And I said, “Because I’m depressed!”
Which I didn’t know before I said it, but then I thought about it and it made sense. As some of you may know I used to have a pretty sweet substance abuse problem. And I wish I could tell you it was something subversive and sexy, but really it was nothing more exciting than copious amounts of booze mixed with some very entertaining prescription drugs, which is due to the fact that I have fantastic health insurance. A visit to my GP and a Ritalin/Clonopin speed ball costs me less than going to a movie. Once I started to look like Carnie Wilson after she got the gastric bypass AND became an alcoholic, my pals were like “Hey do you think you might be depressed?” and I said, “You know what, I might be.” So I cleaned up and like a good addictive personality, I replaced one bad habit with something slightly more benign - which is celebrity gossip. So now, when I wake up to cans of Sprite littering my nightstand and I look at my Google search bar from last night and it just says, “JC Chasez girlfriend?” followed by “JC Chasez Gay?” followed by “JC Chasez “Blowing me up with her love” free mp3 download” I’m like, “Oh sh** I’m depressed!”
The Paper Machete is a weekly live magazine at the Horseshoe in North Center. It’s always at 3 p.m., it’s always on Saturday, and it’s always free. Get all your The Paper Machete Radio Magazine needs filled here, or download the podcast from iTunes here.