Breaking: My infamous Paul Konerko wedding story is a sham

Breaking: My infamous Paul Konerko wedding story is a sham
Flickr/Keith Allison
Breaking: My infamous Paul Konerko wedding story is a sham
Flickr/Keith Allison

Breaking: My infamous Paul Konerko wedding story is a sham

I have a story for you. Late last night, I was hanging out on Hubbard Street (like I do) and I walked past a subtle Paul Konerko. Pauly was sporting shorts and an unassuming brown tshirt. He walked by, we nodded. But then I realized that I need clarification on something. See, back in 2004, I was in Midtown NYC with some buddies. We were going to breakfast one Saturday morning and we stumbled across a wedding. The man standing there was Paul Konerko. So we did what any Sox fans would do. We yelled Pauly a dozen or so times til they looked over. Then the concierge kicked us out. Great story, eh? Well, I’ve always wanted to confirm that story. So that confirmation was walking away from me. So I ran after him. When I caught up, I had to first let him know that I wasn’t a super stalker. Then I popped the question.

Me: Hey Pauly. I have a really quick question for you. Did you get married in NY in 2004?

Konerko: No. (tries to walk away)

Me: Wait, wait, wait…Like at a hotel in Midtown? Filmore or something like that?

Konerko: No, wasn’t me. (tries to walk away)

Me: Seriously?

Konerko stares.

Me: Cause I thought it was you and I yelled Pauly at a dude…

Konerko: Sorry, man. (successfully walks away)

So damn, that’s my confirmation. Several people have given theories: “Maybe he was lying because you were such a creepy fan boy.” Could be. “Maybe Konerko wasn’t getting married but just at a wedding?” That’s possible too, since I am a dude who doesn’t know what varying cumberbun colors mean for groom/groomsmen. “You are such an idiot.” That is true.

So what now? I could waste my intern Meg’s day trying to get confirmation, or I could just trust that Paul Konerko was telling me the truth. And let this be an apology post to the dude that I yelled “Pauly” at during a Midtown wedding in fall 2004. Sorry, dude.

I feel wrecked this morning. I feel like I need to call up everyone I told that wedding story to and come clean. “Um, Jenny? Hi, it’s your ex-boyfriend Justin…Listen, I know we haven’t talked in a few years, but I need to tell you something. That Paul Konerko story you loved…not true. So get yourself checked out.”

In other news: Feder is back from vacation and he hits just about every media story that has been on my mind. He praises WBBM and slays 101.1FM. Alison Payne is out at WGN-TV (no duh) and Paige Wiser wrote an awesome piece about her emotional saga of being fired at the Sun-Times.

And yesterday, Sun-Times columnist Mike Mulligan “retired” amidst the paper’s layoffs. I will miss his column greatly. He did a wonderful job of talking about the nuances of Bear football. This is a huge blow to the Sun-Times, which is already falling behind this season thanks to Tribune writer Brad Biggs. Biggs is a monster Twitter user and he just updates you on every single part of Bears camp. Back in the day, the Sun-Times was the must read for Bears coverage. Neil Hayes and company do a solid job over there, but losing Mulligan will probably hurt.

What else is in the news? FAA shutdown will delay the big-ass radar project in DuPage County, Black Sheep restaurant owner James Toland fired his pastry chef and chef du cuisine after a really strange few days of Tweets and bad reviews, Rahm slams Mitt Romney and the Sun-Times goes crazy with it on front page. Also, Rahm got a haircut.