What is it with broadcasters and their hair? As a proud member of what Larry David likes to call “the bald community,” I’m baffled by the obsession so many Chicago radio and television people have on the subject of hair. Over the weekend, I came across no fewer than four posts relating to hair — good, bad and horrifying — on the blogs of local broadcast personalities. I’ve excerpted the relevant passages below. Make of this strange phenomenon what you will.
“Where did my baldness come from? The same thing on which I blame my deafness: years of wearing headphones? Well, my grandfather is a cue ball (Not literally, mind you. Billiard balls don’t reproduce). I stopped taking all medications five years ago because I didn’t want my future children to be ‘special’ in a bad way… . Some do-gooder asked me to shave my head so the hair could be used to soak up oil in the Gulf. My ego wouldn’t allow me to admit I don’t have enough to soak up the oil in a single car garage. I was getting up from the altar at my church after kneeling in prayer and some heathen had the chutzpah to comment, ‘Nice bald spot.’ That effrontery was compounded by its lack of originality and my vulnerable nature at that time. I also couldn’t think of a proper comeback beyond, ‘Oh yeah?’ until I reached the car. I’ve made a career of slamming everybody and yet when it’s me — well, it’s just not right!!”
“Last night, I had another repetitive dream that’s extremely disturbing.‚ …‚ It starts out differently all the time and‚ ends up the same way.‚ I was at a radio station trying to do my traffic reports and as I’m starting to talk, I realize I’m choking on something. I start pulling tangled hair out of my mouth, the kind you would pull out of a clogged drain.‚ It’s knotted up in clumps, which makes it‚ difficult to get out.‚ I’m‚ extracting it out slowly,‚ like a tapeworm, inch by inch as it gets caught in my throat. Like a moron,‚ I continue reporting traffic as I try‚ to yank out the virtual wig that is coming out of my mouth. When it’s out,‚ I put it in a bucket and show people. EEEWWWWWWW!!!!!!!! I would be quite the hit at show and tell.”
“Since I haven’t been working on television lately, I haven’t been washing my hair as often.‚ Hey, can we please keep that between us here in Big Tiny World?‚ I’ve even told my hairdresser that I’m not coming in until I have to — which is, when I head back to work.‚ Why spend money on haircuts and color maintenance when I’m not making any money? So, more often than not these days, I’ve got my hair in a ponytail and, sometimes, under a baseball cap. I never go more than two or three days before I can’t stand it anymore and finally wash my hair.‚ Dang, I hope I don’t turn into Rapunzel. I haven’t had a haircut since February 6th!‚ No worries.‚ Rapunzel’s a blonde who doesn’t get out much.”
“I’m beginning to think that somebody stole the newsroom mirrors‚ in some of our local television stations. The fashion police better get on this situation immediately… . To all the ladies everywhere, drop some of the baubles, bangles and beads. And what’s this with the hair dangling down towards the neck and even further? To a lovely lady with whom I worked at‚ WGN and is now an excellent street reporter for ABC,‚ Evelyn Holmes: Who persuaded you to get a buzz cut? ‚ It’s most unbecoming and with those long dangling ear rings I’m so conscious of how you look, I forget what you’re saying.”