EVANSTON, Ill. --- Tears of joy mingled with sobs of relief when hundreds of exhausted Northwestern University undergraduate students who had danced for 30 straight hours learned their efforts during the school’s Dance Marathon this past weekend helped to raise over $200 in cash for this year’s beneficiaries.

The dance marathon, which took place in the Ryan Field’s parking lot, marked the culmination of a weeklong harebrained scheme to raise funds to keep the Chi Phi spring party from being canceled.The Chi Phi spring party was established in 1998 as a way to celebrate the arrival of shorts and baby-tee-shirt weather and was in danger of being shut down due to The Man.

Five hundred dancers participated in this year’s event, fueled by messages of support recorded by luminaries like Zach Braff’s personal assistant, as well as a lady who kind of looks like Megan Mullally. The entertainment was provided by a second generation iPod Nano.

After 30 hours of dancing, the following statistics were tallied:

• 300 student deaths were reported
• 50 contestants are still missing
• 15 pregnancies were announced
• 9 romantic breakups were reported
• 18 friend breakups occurred
• 9000 blisters were popped
• 50 suggestions were filed to never to hold a dance marathon again
• 1000 suggestions filed to never to speak of the dance marathon again
• 2 small fires were put out, with moderate damages

After the event, the Chi Phi fraternity was shuttered and all dancing on Northwestern’s campus has henceforth been prohibited.