There are a bunch of parts of getting ready to have a baby that aren’t really that fun. Like dealing with insurance. Or being helpfully told how you won’t sleep for three weeks. Or contemplating that a baby will actually come out of your body. Add to this list: thinking of childcare.

I’m going back to work and our budget eliminates several options, so it’s a challenge to find a place or person that we can afford, is convenient, is available and isn’t completely filled with broken glass and used syringes.

What I really wish I could do was just leave the baby home with our dog, Briscoe. Briscoe, on account of being a convenient combination of sweet, dumb and lazy, is basically the best-behaved dog on earth. He simply can’t be bothered to bark, jump around or destroy things. All he wants to do in life is sleep and also occasionally eat, go for walks and be petted.

Thus, if it were possible, think of all the life lessons my dog could teach my baby.

Briscoe would teach the baby to be quiet:

(As you can see, he does not get riled up by the typical things that rile up dogs.)

Briscoe would teach the baby to sleep a lot:

(His restfulness is addictive!)

Briscoe would teach the baby to be sweet and to like meeting new friends:

Briscoe would teach the baby to be tolerant:

Briscoe would teach the baby to eat promptly:

Briscoe would teach the baby to be fast:

(This would be nice because if our baby grew up to be fast, maybe the baby would make us some money.)

Briscoe would teach the baby to have fun:

Briscoe will teach the baby to poop on a reliable schedule and in the proper location:

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Clearly, he would be the perfect nanny. I wish there was a way for me to teach the dog how to feed the baby and teach him how to change diapers, but unfortunately, I think he’s too stupid for that. The upside though is that he would also be too stupid to know how much we’d be criminally underpaying him.

(Alas, speaking of criminal activities, I think it is probably illegal to leave a baby with a dog.)