Have you dined with us before?

Have you dined with us before?

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We are renowned for our hamburgers. Each topping, including our homemade ketchup and mustard, is a la carte. (Flickr/Robyn Lee)

Good evening. I would apologize for the wait, but, well, it’s what we’re known for, and now you’ve experienced it. Now you can tell all your friends or write about it on Yelp. I hope that while you were waiting, if you couldn’t actually get to the bar to enjoy one of our famous herbal-infused custom-mixed cocktails, you could at least get a look at one. Have you dined here before?

If you haven’t had the chance to completely read it over yet, you’ll see that we’re famous for our beer list, which is 25 pages long. I have only been working here for three days so I am unavailable to make recommendations. However, what I can do is take your questions over to the bartender, come back in 20 minutes and inform you that the beers about which you are querying are either not on tap tonight or are available but are not cold and possibly even uncomfortably warm. But we can provide you tasting samples in small glasses. These are not complimentary.

We also are known for our small plates. You’ll see that the first page consists of half-plates and then the second page consists of simply small plates. Each half-plate feeds approximately one-half a person and each small plate feeds almost one person. We encourage each person to order three half-plates and four small plates. Sharing is prohibited. I highly recommend the salted peanuts.

The third page is full plates. We are renowned for our hamburgers, which are made from grass-fed Wagyu beef and served on a pretzel bun. Each topping, including our homemade ketchup and mustard, is a la carte. Truffle fries, sweet potato fries or a beet salad are available as side dishes. The side dishes are also a la carte. The fry plates feed two people. Sharing is not allowed.

Our desserts are made in-house by our own pastry chef. There are only three items on the dessert menu but two are already sold-out. I recommend ordering the last one now if you think you’d like it. Actually I’ve just been told that there’s only one left, so please let me know if you’d like one for your table right now. We do not encourage sharing. Actually, I’m sorry, I’ve just been informed that while you were momentarily deliberating that, the last one has now been ordered. By that lucky table over there. Sorry about taking all that time to explain something you can’t have.

We do not split checks, either.

Any questions?

I said, ANY QUESTIONS? We are also known for our aggressively loud music.