How the U.S. Postal Service can make up the $5.1 billion it lost this year:
• Raise price of stamps to $5.1 billion for one year. Get one extremely wealthy person in America to send just one letter.
• Sell The Definitive Map to the Stars’ Homes on street corners in Beverly Hills.
• Drive efficiency by giving all postal workers e-mail addresses instead of stubbornly making them use U.S. mail to coordinate meetings, exchange files, etc.
• Cancel mail on Saturdays. Also remove “sleet” from that poem about conditions mail carriers will work in.
• Don’t let people get away with that “writing DON’T BEND on envelopes” crap. (Note: This won’t save money but may boost morale.)
• Somehow convince Bed, Bath & Beyond to mail out more 20%-off coupons.
• Compete with airlines by letting people put themselves in boxes with holes on top and then mail themselves to their destination.
• Cancel this year’s Postal Service holiday party featuring Led Zeppelin reunion.
• Set up a meeting with AOL to discuss working together again.
• Promise same-day delivery. Apologize later.
• Replace rude woman behind counter at my local post office with rude robot.
• Eliminate mail carriers. Drop off mail at one person’s house on every block, let people pass mail down the street until everyone gets theirs.
• Do a better job getting the word out about Sweetest Day.
• Let people mail weed.
More ideas to recoup the $5.1 billion? Let me know in the comments.