I would like to officially nominate yesterday’s game for the ‘Worst Football Game in Bears History’ award

I would like to officially nominate yesterday’s game for the ‘Worst Football Game in Bears History’ award
I would like to officially nominate yesterday’s game for the ‘Worst Football Game in Bears History’ award

I would like to officially nominate yesterday’s game for the ‘Worst Football Game in Bears History’ award

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You know it’s the worst game ever when you are excited for a Kyle Orton vs. the Bears defense, and on his first and only play, he gets knocked out on a fluke finger injury. That’s just a storyline killer.

You know it’s the worst game ever when the field is two-toned.

You know it’s the worst game ever when the three-and-out is a successful drive.

You know it’s the worst game ever when Craig Steltz is playing.

You know it’s the worst game ever when Robbie Gould starts kicking like Paul Edinger.

You know it’s the worst game ever when Lovie Smith wears the knit cap. Nothing ever good happens when he wears that hat.

That hat. (AP)

When I got married in 2004, I treated my groomsmen to a Bears game. It was the least I could do. So I went down to a broker and got some endzone tickets to a mid-December game against the Texans. Each ticket cost me $125. It was very expensive, but it was a Bears game and they were kind of in a playoff race (kind of). The game was freeeezing cold. Like zero degrees. We hand hand-warmers and the top of my beer froze. And I remember being all excited to watch a Houston-based team come into our house. We would just pummel them! Wrong. Lovie’s team laid a huge egg and the Texans just beat down our star Quarterback Chad Hutchinson. For all my money spent and appendages almost lost, I would say it was one of the worst games in Chicago Bears history. Well, that game just got beat out by the stinker of all stinkers: December 4, 2011 against the Kansas City Chiefs.

I didn’t go to the game. But I think the Bears might want to think of some sort of community service to pay back the 60k+ fans. So I hereby nominate this game as one of the worst in Chicago Bears’ history. Sure, the Vikings and the Packers both sold us stinkers back in the day. And there was a Redskins game under Ditka that made him lose his top. But this is a playoff team - a team that currently holds the #5 seed in the NFC playoff race. And you lose at home, without scoring one touchdown? To Tyler Placko and the Chiefs?

For my money, I want the Bears to drop the final few games so we can get a mid-round draft pick. Cause we don’t want to be nobody’s easy out.

Here are some more random observations from watching the Kansas City Chiefs dominate the Chicago Bears:

  • The Trib is reporting that Mike Martz will not be back with the Bears next year. Noooooaaaaa…okay. I’m cool with that. Martz really had no excuse yesterday, although again, the Bears found themselves making way too many early mistakes in series, pinning Hanie back to third and long situations so he could throw his patented “I was throwing it to that guy only it looked like I was throwing it to the other guy” incompletion. I’m starting to realize that the “Greatest Show on Turf” never won without a healthy combination of Warner and Faulk. And throw in Isaac Bruce and Torry Holt to not alligator arm on the goal line and perhaps one of the greatest lineman of all time (Orlando Pace) to not act like a turnstyle. So newsflash: Maybe Martz’s system only works when the skill positions are legitimate.
  • I guess it’s safe to say that the Bears of 2011 were injury-riddled. The Bears have lost their quarterback, their running back and two starting offensive lineman. So in a way, what do we expect? The Chiefs are in the same boat. Their starting QB, running back and some pro-bowl defenders are all out for the year. But they found a way to win on the road. You know, like we’ll have to do two times in the next four games.
  • Hey, that Gordon Ramsay/Acura commercial is funny. Simple, easy, no hauling bricks or bows on the hood bulls*t. Just classic Gordon and some APR financing info on the back-end. Now that’s my kind of car commercial.
  • What’s that weird smell? It is so familiar. That hike. That flush. That flounder. That underthrow. That cleverly-timed interception or sack/fumble. It smells like sex. Sexy. Sexy Rexy. Why in God’s name would the Bears keep a quarterback on their roster with similarities to Rex Grossman? Did you think that would work out?
  • Todd Haley said that he thought that hail mary reminded him of the Shane Matthews to James Allen hail-mary in 2001 that tied the Browns and went into OT. Yep. It did. It reminded us of that stinky, stinky, stinky football. You know, the kind where you barely beat a team on last-second heroics only to be depantsed in the playoffs? Gosh, this game just brought back all the ghosts!!!!
  • Memo to Matt Forte: You need a better agent, dude. Even if you come back this year, you will not make top RB money. You’ll hold out for it, but it’s over dude. You are now damaged goods and you’ll be lucky if GM Jerry Angelo offers you close to what he did in the off-season.
  • Also, memo to refs: It seemed to me that the Chiefs were constantly going helmet-to-helmet on Caleb Hanie. Maybe we aren’t going to get the roughing calls anymore. Maybe that’s another reason we should praise Jay Cutler’s game. He’s a superstar villian. Refs protect him because of his superstar status and he constantly gets the call. I guarantee if Cutler was playing in this game, he would have secured 30 yards in penalties against him. I’ll bet that’s why he is so beloved around the league by other fans. But it works!
  • Gosh, there’s nothing worse than the Bears game on CBS. Wait, no, I take that back. There’s nothing worse than a Bears game on CBS, called by the third-string announcers. I heard probably 10-15 mispronounciations and 432 football platitudes. And then praise for Conte and Steltz for tackling. You realize almost every one of those awesome tackles came after the running back had already picked up 10-plus yards? Idiots. DeCicco has been on the team all year (they acted like he just got picked up) and yes, Hester has fumbled four times this year, but none recovered by the opposition.
  • Julius Peppers went to the locker room…again. I’m starting to think that it isn’t injury-related. Maybe it’s urine-related? Because he always comes back and dominates. What else is new. I’m starting to think he’s milking it. Even a great Peppers can’t hold back the surl this morning.
  • On the last important play of the game, Hanie threw a 20-yard ball to Earl Bennett. The ruling on the field was incomplete, but the replay raised a little doubt. Why wasn’t it reviewed upstairs under two minutes? Did the refs have tickets to see Memphis at Cadillac?
  • What is Jeff Fisher’s deal? Does he want to return to coaching? I’ve always had Lovie’s back. But this lack of preparation and inconsistency is just brutal. We need a leader who beats the Chiefs, even when we shouldn’t.

Okay, here are some great AP photos from the game (with my snarky captions included):

Tell me three things wrong with this picture (AP)
That's not even crooked, Kyle. Get back in there (AP)
Please tell me that's #29. Also, pretty kick-ass tattoo (AP)
Helmet. To. Helmet. (AP)
It's a plushy dance party!!!! (AP)
I think he gets paid extra for dropping the ball on the goal line (AP)
Ah, the poster for this game. Thanks for posing, Caleb. Can you give me a bigger grimace? Perrrfect. (AP)
The sub was this big, I'm not kidding. I ate the whole thing in about 30 seconds (AP)

Quick programming note: I will be hosting the Bears/Broncos game at Lincoln Hall next weekend. If you want on-the-spot commentary and timely snark, this will be the place to be. I’ll be joined by some of Chicago’s best and brightest smart-asses, all taking their turn at Tim Tebow.