Every day at The A.V. Club, TV editor Erik Adams compiles a digest of the night’s upcoming viewing highlights. Sometimes I think Erik goes into a sort of mental fugue state when he writes these teasers, because, well, these are some of the things he has written about my coverage of American Idol:

• Claire Zulkey had a million dreams shattered on the mean streets of Aspen.
• Claire Zulkey runs a feminist bookstore.
• Claire Zulkey crosses her fingers for the Hollywood classicism of Vogue with the hot-pink twitchiness of Minaj’s banned-by-BET clip, “Stupid Hoe.”
• Claire Zulkey knows there is nothing in this world more helpless and irresponsible than a former Aerosmith frontman on a scarf binge.
• “Raised in the wilds that encircled Honky Château, Claire Zulkey had never known the sweet taste of a cold Pepsi Cola… ”
• Claire Zulkey tries not to go quietly insane.
• Claire Zulkey wants to amend all history textbooks to say the American Revolution voted Founding Fathers off one at a time and also Assassin’s Creed was there.

I can’t help but think that this fictional version of Claire Zulkey is much more interesting (and dangerous) than the real deal.