No salutatorian left behind

No salutatorian left behind

The Case for Zero Tolerance of Modern School Administrators:
+ Edmond North High School in Edmond, Okla., has named 45 valedictorians.
+ Dublin Jerome High School in Dublin, Ohio, has named 53 valedictorians.
All right. We can stop now.
The time arrives.
We are in the midst of the commencements.
Happy graduation to all you valedictorians out there!
And, also, to the few high school seniors who aren’t!

News Headline: “Wisconsin recall officials unknowingly break law with Facebook posts.”
Another reason to feel superior to Wisconsin.
Illinois officials always know exactly what they are doing when they break the law.

News Headline: “Novel probe for ultracold quantum matter reported.”
And weren’t you getting a little tired of the same old ultracold quantum matter probes?

News Headline: “CEO indicted in 16-count federal fraud case.”
News Headline: “CEO indicted in pension scam.”
News Headline: “CEO indicted for human trafficking.”
A word to prosecutors:
When are your attacks on capitalism going to stop?

Asteroid 2012 KP24 and Asteroid 2012 KT42 were discovered just before they passed between Earth and the moon on Monday and Tuesday, respectively.
Both passed so close to Earth that they were within the orbits of some of our satellites.
But both were smallish asteroids.
And no other asteroids are scheduled to come anywhere near Earth for the next three months.
Well. That we know of.

News Item: 12 percent of Americans believe Herbert Hoover was director of the FBI.
News Item: 12 percent of Americans believe Joan of Arc was Noah’s wife.
News Item: 11 percent of Americans credit Mitt Romney with saving the auto industry.
News Item: 14 percent of Americans believe Barack Obama was born in another country.
As we work to pinpoint the percentage of Americans who… who… well, what word would you use?

QT Summer Travel Advisory:
Two days remain until Taste of Omaha.

Gary Duffala, a Rio Rancho, N.M., reader, regarding QT’s mention of an exhibit of a giant human intestine that visitors to Owen Sound, Ontario, can slide through, writes:
“So if I go to Owen Sound and slide through the giant human intestine, am I then a piece of–“
Stop it.
Stop it now.

QT Free Online Politics-to-English Translator (for Your Convenience):
+ Debbie Wasserman Schultz, chairwoman of the Democratic National Committee, on the national repercussions of next week’s Wisconsin recall vote:
“I think, honestly, there aren’t going to be any repercussions. It’s an election that’s based in Wisconsin.”
+ Translation:
“Honestly, it look like we’re going to lose this one.”

News Headline: “Texas teen wins National Geographic Bee.”
The award was presented somewhere out East.

QT Early Warning System:
Donald Trump has a concealed-carry permit.

News Item: Critics say Homeland Security monitors too many harmless words on the Internet to be efficient in detecting terrorist threats.
QT has studied the words on this list.
It will now use four of these words to attract the attention of Homeland Security.
Cloud! Mexico! Pork! Team!
Should QT take off its shoes now?

QT Modern Corporate Gibberish of the Week:
Suneva has acquired Refissa.

News Headline: “Justin Bieber accused of battery by paparazzo.”
Your life may not be working out exactly as you had wished, but at least you weren’t just beaten up by Justin Bieber.

From Poor QT’s Almanack:
On this day in 1431 Joan of Arc was burned at the stake, 504 years to the day before Babe Ruth played his last baseball game, in what was probably a coincidence.

QT Grammar R Us Seminar on the English Language:
+ Jill McAvoy, a Des Plaines reader, regarding QT’s mention that factoids are never factual, writes:
“Where did the word ‘factoid’ originate? If a factoid isn’t factual, should it be called a fictionoid or an opinionoid?”
The word “factoid” was invented by Norman Mailer to describe anything that has the appearance of a fact but is not a fact–or, as he put it, “facts which have no existence before appearing in a magazine or newspaper.”
You can have confidence in this explanation.
QT is an expertoid.
+ Paul Shubin, a Montreal reader, writes:
“By the way, ‘en route,’ being French, is not pronounced enn-ROWT but on-ROOT (with a nasal sound on the ‘on’). “
There are only two syllables in “forecastle,” by the way.

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