Pasta Madness Final Four

Pasta Madness Final Four

Let’s be real: Pasta Madness has been a lot more exciting and fun than actual March Madness. No matter who you are, your bracket has been completely busted to hell by now and your favorite team has probably already long been eliminated. But pasta will always be there for you. Even when your team loses you still win, because, pasta.

Let’s look at the latest games:

Linguine vs. Gemelli. Linguine’s got a lot going for it and really nothing is wrong with it, per se, but Gemelli just has more. Gemelli is, by definition, twin pastas, and two of something great is always going to have an edge over just one. It’s like, would you rather have one beautiful wife or two? Plus, as a short pasta, Gemelli is a more female-friendly pasta because you can just fork it up, as opposed to worrying about splattering one of your top three most embarrassing places on your body, like you would with linguine. I know I’m sort of like the Ken “Hawk” Harrelson when it comes to Gemelli: I’ve been a fan since day one and am not ashamed of it. Well, deal with it. I’m here to cheer for Gemelli until they fire me. Winner: Gemelli.

Pappardelle vs. Farfalle. This game is a little bit like what happens when the snobby rich kids (pappardelle) play the down-and-out scrappy kids from the other side of the tracks. Only in this case, the rich kids win because they’re better in every way. Last week, I fingered farfalle as being guilty of frequently dwelling in second-and-third-tier pasta salads. Pappardelle, on the other hand, is usually a fancy, oft-handmade pasta that rests in beautiful wide ribbons and boasts something rich and earthy like rare mushrooms or unicorn meat. Farfalle, I’m sorry to say but you just couldn’t beat those rich kids this time. Winner: Pappardelle

Next week is serious. I may actually have to eat some Gemelli and some Pappardelle to see who wins. This is the type of dedication I show towards this project. You are welcome.